Friday, June 15, 2012
THE SPORT THAT CRIES WOLF
THE SPORT THAT CRIES WOLF
I love watching these games and you are right. ..I couldn’t even bounce a ball twice on my knee if asked so put my opinion in perspective. But watching this year’s Euro Cup I have to just say two words. “GET UP”!!!!!
Enough of these so-called collisions, falls, trips, spills, or miss shots giving the players an opportunity to cry, lie down and feint an injury.
I know. I know. It’s playing the umpires. Its part of the history and it’s the strategy of the game. YEAH YEAH YEAH.
But in my day if you EVER failed to jump up, get up or hurry your butt back on defense immediately in Basketball, Football or Lacrosse (sports where contact is at car accident levels), not only would you be ridiculed and benched until you were old enough to actually be retired in a wheelchair, but your own teammates, fans and MOTHER would completely disown you. And Yes, when I was young, I had to play UPHILL, BOTH WAYS IN THE SNOW.
Please Soccer (European football) players. JUST PLAY through the pain my son. Rub some dirt on it boyyyyyyy!!! It’s a scratch..it’s a bruise…OK OK. We get it, but know the difference between pain and injury … Injury means we won’t see you next week. Pain is defined as watching you hold your knee, foot or head after being kissed by a player the size of Napoleon while the rest of your team shrugs their shoulders in disgust and thinks…”Again?”
Seriously, you only fell down. Correct me if I’m wrong but you have been playing this sport since you were four and as an adult you still feel the need to lie there, crying and hoping to get a call, a break or a rest.
Dude, just get up and act like you have played this sport before. It’s a game, not a battlefield. You got bumped into….MY OH MY. MEDIC!!! MEDIC!!! Your own band of brothers can’t even believe you are lying there. Las Vegas has the odds 7-2 you won’t even grow a pair. That mark on your calf was what we call in AMERICA a BOO BOO and you are calling for a priest to read your last rites.
I have smacked flies harder than that in the woods and bled more from mosquito bites and you have the audacity to act like you need both an amputation and a standing ovation?
You are a world class athlete. No argument. You are a world class player in the most popular sport in the world. Congrats. But you are also the biggest cry baby I have seen since The NBA banned the Kim Kardashian from entering their locker rooms. (I watch WAYY too much reality TV)
The only words I ever want to hear watching your exciting and captivating sport is “GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL” not….. “Mommy, kiss it better.“
Thursday, June 14, 2012
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOOOOM- On my recent trip from Basel to London ONLY moments before we flew over the English Channel one of the TWO engines on my SwissAir flight blew up. No joke, as I don’t joke about my next breath of air.
AND I mean a Wikipedia defining type of engine disaster BOOM. Not a sonic boom, not a Boom Boom Boom lets go up to your room. Not Boom Boom Mancini…I mean BOOM as no matter what language you spoke or where you lived, everyone on my flight mouthed aloud (BOOM?!!!!?!!!?)
Now it might have been only five minutes but it felt as though the jet shook, rattled and was off balance for 20 minutes and then, finally the plane began to steady.
Yes, perhaps I was the only American on the flight but everyone else just silently stared straight ahead as if their teacher is having roll call? If you understood English you would hear me and only me expressing the conversation loud enough even the French coast below could hear me.
“What the H---,folks THAT was a BOOM, not a tick, not turbulence; not even a drop in altitude. IT was a BOOM of 6.9 on the Richter scale. Am I the only one needing a bathroom visit at the moment?
OK, where is the life vest again? Where is that FREAKIN red whistle and what is that small light on the vest for? Do I inflate it now or wait for water to enter my lungs? Seriously, I want that oxygen thingy to drop down so I can place it over my face first and then MAYBE help others if needed… Maybe.
NO NO…I didn’t listen to your repeated instructions or read the emergency card like I should have every time I have flown. I have got 1 million miles under me but I have no idea how to connect or tighten a seat belt, which I have done more times than even buckling my own pants.”
Now all the Swiss, French and Germans were completely quiet as the pilot calmly announced (first in German, then in French and then FINALLY in English) there was an engine malfunction and we are safely returning to Basel to "check out" the problem.
A problem? It was a BOOM. A problem is 2+2= or why does the chicken cross the road? This was a BOOM. I just kept listening for “ladies and gentlemen, please kiss your arse goodbye in any language so I could prepare myself to bend over.
After my heart slowed and my breathing naturalized, all I could think of was my last meal on earth was a compact version of a processed chicken in a steamed wrapper, sparkling water which was flat and a retired sweaty bodybuilder who sat next to me was sadly going to be the last person I will see before I leave earth.
Then I thought…honestly, could Hell really be any worse?
Please feel free to roam about this conversation in the safety of your own home.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Take a Number To Be Abused
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Swimming upstream both ways in the Snow
A huge smile came across her face. "I finished in 6th place at a local swimming meet", shined self-proclaimed Suzy Swimmer. “Out of 8”
Six out of eight? Wow...Suzy, just a heads up. I just ran into the kid who finished in 7th place. He was just stopped by security because of the magnificent size of his own trophy of modesty and look, there is the 8th place award winner making an acceptance speech near Passport Customs & Control.
Now I appreciate hard effort and confidence as much as anyone, but bragging to strangers you finished in bottom run of a competitive race might just dampen any thought you have ever had of truly winning a flippant award in the future.
Maybe it is me, but I can't even remember who finished second in last year's Super Bowl and Miss Modesty wants a standing ovation and a medal for finishing sixth. Does she realize I can float on a raft with a beer and finish only two places behind her?
As we were ready to board, they flashed the top six names on the digital flight board who would qualify for 1st class upgrades.
Little Suzy Swimmer took the lane in 6th place AGAIN. Et Moi? Oh, I missed the upgrade by one backstroke from my dubious karma.
As I swam past her 1st class starting block on my way to seat 55b, I just happened to point at her tarnished pride and joy, "Hey Suzy,... Michael Phelps called, he said he has earrings bigger than that.”
Monday, November 1, 2010
Planes, Trains and Wedding Gowns
http://www.cynicalbuzz.com
On my flight back from Moscow, I waited in dreaded middle seat for my bookend seating partners as I witnessed a formally dressed Russian bride AND her groom head down the their second aisle of the day.
They acknowledged they were my new soul mates in flight so I stood up, gestured and signaled with my terrible Russian, to please, PLEASE sit together so they could lovingly cuddle for the next four hours.
The bride, with her veil still attached and her dress still fluffy, responded in perfect English they appreciated my gesture but she would like the window and her massive hubby will still take the aisle.
Wow-It is hard to visualize this stunning bride with her beauty radiating from what is supposed to be the happiest day of her life wanting already to be SOOO far apart from her groom. But neither of them spoke a word to each other while I uncomfortably allowed them to sandwich me in seat 13B while watching “Rocky IV” on my iPad (just kidding). I kept wondering if this day would define their life, end mine or just be a first test in a long line of their matrimonial exams.
“OKAAAAY, You too love birds, you have been married for only minutes and you already are letting a stranger and a bad travel agent separate you for the next few hours. Are you now going to ask me to ask him to pass you the SKY MALL magazine so you choose your own individual wedding gifts? Are you going to make me sit between satin and wool, white and black, Y and X? I don’t think so.
Sweetheart, your new spouse has a barrel chest; howitzer arms and you are now suggesting I share an ARM rest with YOU? My feet are too big, my lower limbs seem to have Restless Leg Syndrome, and you want me to focus on sitting still as I sit between Moscow’s version of Dolph Lundgren and Brigitte Nielsen?
Then I’m going to be the American Dr. Phil- but with MORE hair, “How is this early separation in your passenger of life sharing, working for YOU right NOW?”
I am beginning to see a few trust issues. You waited to hear if he was going to order the meat or veggie dish before telling him WHAT to choose and I saw him roll his eyes when you ordered your second glass of wine before he started his first.
I am excusing myself and I will return with THREE glasses as we are all throwing back some of the duty-free vodka I bought before getting on this NEWLYWED GAME plane in your honor because my sweet young Russian lovers in the air of bliss, “Мне нужно пить/I need a drink”
Thursday, July 29, 2010
To be a Fly on the Wall
No other creature, animal or insect in the world spends their entire existence waiting for this opportunity to rush in at the most opportune moment to disrupt my sleep during the night.
Seriously, not water buffalos, not GEICO geckos, not even Aflac ducks ever get in my house.--JUST a fly. I need to know. Do they hang out on the outer edge of a door and pray for a knock on the door from the UPS driver awaiting a signature?
I will not surrender. I will not let this minuscule creature of other people's demise win. Because for only $1000 I have found a solution. I combine my Dyson Air Multiplier in front of my face (um.. just a quiet cool fan) and Bose noise cancellation headphones (um..a device which fits around your ears that makes you look "SPECIAL" to drown out any sound including a atom bomb.
Hours later, I wake up peacefully with an ear ache, wind blown hair and red, dried eyes...BUT, all with a victorious grin knowing this one fly buzzed all night long without affecting my sleep. aw, the sweet taste of victory, "COUGH, COUGH". oops, found the bugger. FML
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Questions for the day
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Massaging the Masses
Massaging the Masses
http://www.cynicalbuzz.com
As I walk through the shopping mall, I am stopped in my tracks while viewing the retail circle of public massage tables and their no-shame patrons who have less pride than a stupid human tricks participant on David Letterman.
Yes, I see you and I realized there is no way you can have the same stress as me. It is impossible you are going through the same life I am, if you can lay your body in a contortionist chair in the open while a small family of masseuses place their hands on their victims.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
The Root of All Evil
THE ROOT OF
“I on’t n o wat to o ith y ongue orry”, I mouthed to my execution loving dentist as he gave me a root canal last night. For how deep his hands explored, I assume it included a frontal lobotomy at no extra charge.
I should have known this was going to be one of those days where I give anything to trade places with a tortured hostage than have this current Spanish inquisition weaponry explore my mouth simultaneously as I tried to breathe through one nostril and a quarter of my mouth.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Canned Tuna In The Sky
Remember loyal fans of the Sully world (this is cynicalbuzz.com, not Thursday’s edition of 20/20)
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Failing Passport Control
Failing Passport Control- http://www.cynicalbuzz.com
_______
No matter how innocent and good I am. No matter how many times I travel outside the country; when I go through customs or a passport control, I feel like I’m a fugitive on the run.
“Officer, I have not drank anything other than the 2 liter bottle of Gatorade I had after working out, but I’ve been swerving on the road afraid I’m going to have different kind of accident trying to control my bladder
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Attention Deficit In Order
http://www.cynicalbuzz.com
I see you. YES, I see you again. There you are waving emphatically. There is a handmade sign you have flashing in and out of my peripheral vision to where I can't ignore you. You HAVE to have something better to do with your morning than to pop up and down begging for attention as you stand behind the glass studio wall for NBC's TODAY SHOW while I try to finish my breakfast.
I'm so glad you are proud of your Alma Mater and feel a loyalty to make a homemade sign for attention. I'm thrilled that you are celebrating your 50th birthday with your friends on a trip to NYC and happen to stroll by 30 Rock at 7:00 in the morning. But no one else cares other than the four other ladies with you who EVEN Al Roker is trying to avoid.
We truly just want you to move to the next tourist stop on your day trip so we can watch the news, weather, sports and how many more times the police were called into Charlie Sheen's house last week. (THE important, critical news of the day only please)
Standing on someone's shoulders at a rock concert is annoying itself, but DOING it just to be situated above Matt Lauer as he talks about airline security is tacky at best, aggravating at its worse.
Seriously, even if I did KNOW you and you came from my hometown, I would never admit I did. I truly would have even disowned you if you were my Mom holding a sign that said, "Hi Erik, look at me and Aunty Em". When they talk about the 15 minutes of fame for each of us, I truly hope those 15 seconds I'll never get back count towards YOUR ENTIRE TIMELINE of fame for at least MY lifetime.
Perhaps I am envious. Yes, maybe I would love to have Kathy Lee Gifford turn and wink at me. (is that a wink or a astigmatism?) But I would never, ever, clap like a seal in front of 40 million people so I can see myself clap on the TV monitor facing me and OH wait! HEY..wait, that is my college friend standing right there next to Meredith Viera. HI ..HI can you see me?....WOW. How cool is that.. He is so lucky. Wink