The Slicer Dicer and Ginzu Knife walk into a bar...

Late night infomercial showcasing a new amazing, space age, state of the art, cutting edge cleaning sponge. Outstanding absorbency that combines both Karate Kid's "WAX ON and WAX OFF" cleaning in one yellow ball of softness.

I have no idea the cost because they won't tell me until I waste another 20 minutes of my life watching this woman who has never washed a car in her life wash a car she would never be caught dead in, but, I do know that it will last a lifetime and that alone forces my credit card to flex out of my wallet.

Oh wait, if I act now, I get an additional one at no extra cost. FANTASTIC. Um. but if it lasts a lifetime, why do I need another one? I'm only washing one car at a time, I'm ambidextrous, but can't use both hands at once. I'm confused as they had me at, "Have you ever needed...." and lost me at "quantities are running low". Low quantities? If they stop giving free ones away, they would have more for suckers like me. Forget it. I'm going back to watching TONY LITTLE and his fat ponytail ride the Gazelle. At least I know it's only $329 and look how his body has just melted away using it for 20 years. Better yet, I'm going to listen to the sounds of 90's rock. I have 10 more CD's coming if I continue to pay off my loan to my lifetime music club.

Indecent Exposure to an Impatient Flasher

Stop & Go traffic, early morning and nobody is more anxious to get to work than I. Trying to keep a safe distance from the car in front you is difficult at times especially if you follow the law of 1 car length for every 10 mph of speed like I do (wink). But, when you are going 3 miles an hour with your foot on the break 90% of the time and some impatient driver is flashing his new halogen blue lights at you, where does he think you are going to go if you actually could move?

Does he think he's Bruce Almighty and can part the traffic sea of frustration at a whim or a flash of brights? Dude!! Even if I could move to another lane, why would I give you the satisfaction of allowing you get to your work 5 seconds before me? Worse yet, is the fact that someone behind me actually moved to the emergency lane to let him pass. OMG, he's driving a Camaro, not an emergency vehicle. The only thing he is in hurry for is to get to McDonald's before their Breakfast sandwiches are replaced by Big Macs at 10:30. (scary that I know the time of menu change at a fast food restaurant)

I appreciate courtesy drivers and polite commuters that let you merge without pretending to ignore your need to join their mangled group of lane marauders. But there is more of a chance that gas will be under $3.00 a gallon again than I would oblige to move over for this guy when the rest of the state has to endure the mighty transportation infrastructure quandary. If you hope for me to move, remove your fuzzy dice from your mirror, roll a seven and kiss your spinning wheels for luck and perhaps the dump truck next to you won't drop a load on your cheap Maaco paint job before the next exit.

Time to live past LIVESTRONG

First, I'm a big Lance Armstrong fan and I loved the marketing prowess of creating an inexpensive "pet rock" idea that has legs and viral success for the ages as the LIVESTRONG bracelet did and all the money it raised. But after every charity known to man (people against people, chartreuse bracelets for the colorblind and humans against fur jewelry) got involved, don't you think its time for these middle aged men with THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE suits to stash their "I'm a supporter of something" bracelets in the same pile as their Member's Only Jackets, Tassel loafers and Velour V-neck sweater vests that show more nipples than Simon Cowell at a Karaoke contest? Sincere support is great. Charity is something we all wish we could do more with and for, but when it comes to stretching out a "cool" idea so long that the original plastic ring has been stretched to fit around a size 36 waist, its time to find a new item to wear. YES, now that you asked, I do have an idea. I'd like to suggest a strobe lit plastic ring that slides over the middle finger to support all your number 1 piggy back charities that you want to tell to "WEAR THIS" as you pass by their booths and signs. Think of the word of mouth marketing on that concept.

You say hello, but do I have to say hello...AGAIN?

Narrow hallway at the office. One of the few paths on the floor that engulfs the offices and cubicles. Important question of the day.

When you see and pass the same person five or more times throughout the day, what in the world do you say after the first greeting? If you first see them in the morning, It's the simple etiquette of a "Good morning" or "How are you?"

However, after two or three hallway fly bys before lunch, what on earth do you say or not say without insulting each other's intelligence?

"How 'bout them (INSERT FAVE SPORTS TEAM)?", or "Working hard today, Bro?" ...I think not. You have seen them more times than your own family this week and not once do you get the sense they are going anywhere except in a circle.

If you are lucky and can space it until after lunch, you can go with the mundane, "Almost done eh?" or "Boy, what a day huh?" but do I care when the only thing that seems to get accomplished is adding frequent walking mileage to their dress shoes before 5 pm.

We should add a new rule to greetings in the office. After seeing the same person in the same building on the same day within a 4 hour time period, the only thing you should have to acknowledge is a wardrobe malfunction, wet floor warning or the fact that they didn't notice your fly was open, you tripped on the spilled coffee and that you are still circling the office looking for the same person to set up a meeting for tomorrow.....I'm just saying...