My food...My choice

Don't ask me why I read labels on my food and drinks. I haven't a clue. Maybe I think I'll find something good in the bad or discover that one special ingredient I'm missing from my USDA vitamin list.

Total Cereal has a great label. They are telling you that you have no reason to read their label. In huge letters, it says, 100% of what you need today. Quick, easy and allows me to finish my comics instead of looking up what the heck Niacin is.

I'm wincing at the makers of anything "fruity" in their drinks. I keep seeing,"This contains 2% REAL fruit juice. TWO percent? I get more juice chewing on my watermelon flavored Hubba Bubba gum than when I drink 8 ounces of their liquid. (Hubba Bubba..ANYONE?...ANYONE?)

Enough of this labeling. Let's just call it what it is. If you order a Double Whopper with cheese, don't expect anything but a big label in block letters stating,

"Eat more than 10 of these in a month will lower your life expectancy by five years less than if you ordered the single Whopper. Order the large fries along with it and you will live one day less than if you went to Wendy's and ordered a Double Baconator."

It is that simple.

Forget marketing the healthy and non-healthy labels to us. We are smarter than that I hope. Just tell us our life expectancy on each thing we eat and let us choose our own path. If I want to know the carbs/protein ratio of a energy bar, then so be it. What I truly want to know is this peanut butter and chocolate equivalent of a Milky Way will give me enough energy until I can have another salty nut energy bar with chocolate and peanut butter. I'm kinda easy like that.

At Denny's: The equivalent of a Grand Slam Breakfast or a Fruit bowl with yogurt. Hmmmm, I don't even care of the price, (they are both $3.99) I just want to know does one allow me to live to see my grandkids graduate high school or long enough to see another election year.

My decision: So leave me be with the nutritional labels.

This is not about eating right. This is about wanting to know what choices I am making before I make them. The irony is that WE ALL know what is good and bad before we choose. We always have.

We just use their labels to help US help ourselves. Low fat doesn't mean it isn't inundated with sugar. Cholesterol free doesn't mean it doesn't have fat. High in Protein doesn't mean its not high in sodium. There is a reason there are millions of blogs, books and articles about eating right...NO one can tell you what you already know.

We choose the Whopper cause it tastes good. We choose the salad because we had the whopper yesterday. We choose the "NUTRITION" bar cause it looks like a Snickers Bar. We choose the Vitamin Water cause it says, VITAMINS, not cane sugar, crystalline fructose, citric acid, caffeine and ester gum extract as its label.

....and I? I choose to write early in the morning because Wendy's isn't open until 11am.

Taking the wrong way on the right-a-way

Love my gadgets. If it's digital or has an LCD screen, I'm thrilled. If it can complicate my life with the promise of cleansing my frustrations, I buy it without remorse. Early adopter? HA. I buy the gadgets before they go on sale and pay 50% more than if I waited 24 hours.

The current GPS (Gentleman's Perception System) in my car has helped me many times navigate through the trials and tribulations of NYC and beyond. I've used it to find restaurants, gas stations and the nearest bookstore.

However, I recently used it to find a office address and ended up going down the wrong way on the one way street.

No, I'm not blind nor am I ambivalent to paying attention to HUGE SIGNS that say WRONG WAY, I just paid a hell of a lot of money for this thing and DARN IT, if it says to turn LEFT with a convincing voice, I'm going to do it without hesitation and get my money's worth.

Sadly, the sign was posted to ensure traffic in a SCHOOL ZONE would be flowing accordingly to the children crossing the busy road during that time of day.

As scores of middle school children watched in dismay that my vehicle was passing them in the opposite direction of the buses, A young adolescent screams out,

"HEY, IT'S A ONE WAY YOU %*$(#*@."

Aww, the intelligence of our youth so aptly expressed in such a succinct way. I continued to pass him (cause my GPS still told me I still have 400 ft to go before turning right on Elm Street) so I responded back in the only way a shameful, embarrassed mature man would respond.

"HEY SMART *$$, I'm only going ONE WAY."

Sleep Walking Through a Business Case

Whether it is the Mattress Cowboys, 1-800Mattress or Sleepy's, after driving by strip mall after shopping plaza and see endless discount mattress and bedding outlets and stores, I'm lost..Someone find me a bed to nap in and explain to me how these places makes money?

We all love to sleep and personally, I have bought a few mattresses in my lifetime but we aren't talking about an investment in cars or houses. SOOO, how do they stay in business?

DO you ever think each weekend, "HONEY, It's Saturday, lets go get ANOTHER mattress because we haven't got one in like..um...5 weeks and the old one has crumbs in it."

or

"Sweetheart, do you have your old mattresses ready to go? I'll stop by the Serta outlet and pick up your new ones before I go to the dry cleaners."

Now don't get me wrong. I wake up every day with a stiff back and numb legs thinking maybe I need a new mattress.

But I don't actually GO BUY ONE. Do you? My next one is going to be either a Tempur-Pedic or Craft-o-Matic roll with the heated pads but I only have to call the 800 number from Ed McMahon to have that one delivered because NO one would get caught BUYING one of those in a STORE without a doctor's prescription. (wink)

POP QUIZ: When was the last time you went into a mattress discounter? Really..unless Party City was next door and you saw a fake brass bed that reminded you of your grandparent's bedroom set or because it was adjacent to an TGIF's and you had 30 minutes to kill before your vibrating paging coaster went off so you can get your THREE FOR ALL appetizer smothered in Jack's sauce.

But even if you and your significant other decided to digress to 1950's TV sleeping arrangements (DICK VAN DYKE, LUCY AND DESI.. et al) and move to separate rooms on the same floor with your own beds...THAT is still only TWO beds bought over a few years.

Yes, I could be thinking too much about this dilemma in a world where economic struggles run much deeper than box springs and bed skirts. But it IS these things that keep me up at night.....

or perhaps it is my insomnia caused by the fact I just need a new mattress from DISCOUNT BOB's?

A Think-Over for the MakeOver

As you non-chalantly walk down the street with your friends, family or hopefully alone, a stranger walks up to you and to your surprise.....decides that YOU are the lucky recipient of an AMBUSH Makeover.

OK...why are you thrilled with the idea that out of the millions of inhabitants of your wonderful city, you were chosen to need the most HELP. Run now before we all watch your life's most embarrasing moment since you wore the same prom dress as YOUR date.

Excuse me, but isn't this as thrilling as after a few weeks of not seeing someone and they start off greeting you with, "You look good. Have you lost some weight?" Whether you did or not, it meant you needed to drop some poundage anyway. No, no matter how you try to justify it, this wasn't a compliment.

Is it me or do you think the prospect that YOU are the one who needs help with your style, hair, make up and frumpy outfits should offend you, not elate you? Are you screaming and jumping up and down because you finally got your 15 minutes of fame or because you think they are paying you for this comedy they are producing.

This is not a way to start your day after you have spent the last few years thinking you got your life in order. A makeover means only one thing. Everyone within an earshot of you is laughing at you in public daily. You don't need a makeover, you need a strong drink and some new friends if they never had the courage to tell you NOT to wear matching outfits with the office UPS man.

Watching a makeover show to see the transformation from an ugly duckling to a golden swan is enjoyable to the viewer..um that is me. But what could be going through your mind when you thought you were ALL THAT in the first place.

Perhaps that explains the multiple boyfriends who used that "ITS ME, NOT YOU" excuse over and over as they kept asking if you were a mechanic.

Realize for your own good, there are millions of dollars spent every day publishing style and hair magazines. (At least that is what I have heard)

Read just one or ALL of them and then look at your SOMETHING ABOUT MARY hair flip style combined with anything Janeane Garofalo wears anytime and do something about it before these two obnoxious style mavens ambush you and ask you if you have an hour to change your life.

Yeah, tell them you have all the time in the world, to hide from the general public until bright colored overalls and bad perms that make Roseanne Barr cringe come back into style.

Better yet, go back to bed and wake up again. Tomorrow, bedhead might be the next NEW look.

Key Master of Suburbia

Excuse me. I see you trying to find your wallet and all I can say as you sort through your faux Coach bag is, "Where you going with that tool belt of metal and plastic?"

Schneider from "One Day at a Time" only had 5 keys and he was the building superintendent for that whole building.

Please, I'm listening. What do you need other than a house key, a car key and your HEALTH FITNESS plastic mini membership card? Serious, I saw your grocery cart, I know that COSTCO card is used way more than that ExerWISE tab and your key chain on a leash is equivalent to one average size dumbbell as it is.

Let me help. Keep your garage door opener in the car: Dump the female version of a Swiss Army knife as it has no purpose other than to create havoc at security in the department stores.

Remove those souvenir items along with your rabbit's tail and your car will get another 10 mpg per tank of gas. Seriously, how often do you really open a beer bottle while you are driving anyway?

Those other keys. What are they good for? Absolutely nothing. There is just no possible way anyone in this world gave you access to anything other than your souped up 1999 Honda Prelude.

I truly thought when you pulled it out, you were setting up a Coleman Family Tent for six and your keys were the support poles. I haven't seen that much junk hooked together since MacGyver went off the air back in '92.

Go home, unload that knapsack with anything other than the key to the car you are actually driving and perhaps you won't spend the next few minutes in front of me complaining that your have lower back problems.

Better yet. Here's $25.00. Buy your self the Clapper for every electronic item you own and begin your new healthy new year's resolution by working on your upper body. Blog On...Blog Off.

I'm resolved to a new resolution

Why do we use the end of one year or the beginning of another to make changes in our lives?

Do we need an event to make promises? Do we need to drink champagne and stuff our face before we decide to eat and drink responsibly? Everyday should be a resolution for the day’s past. You shouldn't need to plan a date to start your procrastination. It should be as natural as waking up…..tomorrow for today’s appointment.

Here are the top ten resolutions listed each year since Adam said he was cutting back on apples. Maybe that should be a resolution in itself.


THE LIST CYNICALBUZZ LIST
1. Spend More Time with Family. Depending on your family, this could be more of a punishment than a resolution. It isn't a resolution. It is something we wish for daily and hope for the best.

CynicalBuzz suggests:

1. Spend more Time with the family you want and hope the rest spend more time with THEIRS while you are having quality time.

2. Get Fit. Doncha love the record number of the world that get in line for a treadmill on January 2nd, buy a treadmill on January 3rd and use it as a clothing rack on January 4th.

2. How about Get less Fat. Let's be honest, it’s the little things in life we hope for, not miracles from Tony Little.

3. Tame the Bulge: If they just combined this with number 2, they could add a resolution that might actually be worth waiting for when the big ball drops and Dick Clark recites his name clearly. (sorry..that was a little over the top. I'll make a resolution to be less cynical)

3. Instead, let's Tame number of Oreos that go from packaging into your mouth. I heard they now have a new 100 calorie Oreo package. It’s called a Crumb.

4. Quit Smoking. I don’t smoke but if you didn’t quit on March 3rd, July 10th or December 11th, What does January 1st got to offer.

4. You could try to Quit Smoking the next time the Tobacco Tax goes up and you can’t afford a 7/11 Big Gulp at the same time.

5. Try to Enjoy Life More. Perhaps if you stopped trying to make impossible resolutions you would enjoy the life you are in.

5. Enjoy Life always. More, less, it is about enjoying, not TRYING to enjoy

6. Quit Drinking. HELLOOO!! I thought you just said you wanted to "enjoy life more?"

6. Instead, try to Quit wondering where you were and why you drank lime vodka and did shots without the family you wanted to spend time with in the first place.

7. Get Out of Debt. I'm sorry, but have you seen how much it costs to resolve the list 1-6? Not going to happen in this year without a personal bailout.

7. Lets work towards getting out of lending money to family you want to spend more time with and borrow money from the family you are going to spend less time with and its a win-win situation.

8. Learn Something New. I learned that learning something new costs money and doesn't help me with the GETTING OUT OF DEBT.

8. Learn something Old that feels new this year like using a treadmill as a non-dry cleaning apparatus.

9. Get Organized. It's the clutter that keeps us alive. If my life was an IKEA showroom, I couldn't find all the interesting things I've been missing all these years.

9. The more realistic solution is to Get the clutter from the basement to the garage. The garage to the storage shed. The storage shed to the basement. ..and anything that seems out of place at that moment goes in that one closet where all the hat and gloves disappear.

10. Help Others. I need help keeping my own resolutions, but now you want me to decide to help others.

10. I’d rather Help others understand that if they want to be helped to make sure they got resolutions 1-8 down pat so I can help them with this one while drinking, smoking and eating oreos on my treadmill.

Time is up for the New Year Cheer

Hello. It is January 8th people.

Enough with the Happy New Year. Yes, my holiday break was relaxing. If it wasn't, did you really want to hear about it? There has to be a statute of limitations on well wishes for holidays. If you are within two weeks of either the President's birthday or Ground Hog's Day, the New Year is too old to celebrate.

I understand the etiquette of manners and if I haven't seen you since 2008, I may spend a little more time inquiring about your time with family and friends. But seriously, one more week of this false caring of stranger's holidays and I'll be Jonesing for "Can't wait for the weekend eh Bob? It seems like this is the longest week of the year, huh Ted? Is it Friday yet Alice? It feels like a Monday doesn't it Lorraine? Do we really have to work on Monday Burt?"

It's over people. January...long days and longer cold weeks ahead. If you want to wish me anything, wish me a happy July 4th cause what I need today, is warmth, barbecue and a few outside celebrations to drown out the holiday clingers mantra of "The holiday went kinda fast didn't it?" The holiday went fast but your time/date perception is about as accurate as sun dial on a cloudy day.

This Blog says it all today

The next time you ask yourself, "I sure hope no one is watching me at this moment". ...then watch this. Thanks to Paul Hauber at Eatmoreair.com for this.
























http://eatmoreair.com/2009/01/top-10-things-that-have-bugged-me-recently/

Getting Ugly on the Snuggie

Give me a minute...please...I just shot milk out of my nose from laughing so hard at my NEW favorite (BUY THIS BECAUSE YOU ARE DUMBER THAN THE MASSES) commercial. The amazing super soft luxurious fleece hands-free SNUGGY that is one light saber away from being inducted into the Star Wars costume hall of fame.

I know you hate it when the blanket is just not long enough for both your hands and your swollen feet and perhaps there truly isn't an answer to the times when you need to use your hands while you sit on your lazy ass and watch the repeat episodes of the Ginzu knives/Steambuddy/Fix-a-chip/Abtwister hour.

EVER JUST TRY putting your hands back in the blanket after you use them? I'm sure together we can find alternative solutions before we have to digress to wearing roman attire before we retire.

Does your body lose that much heat for the brief second you answer the phone under your grandma's favorite afghan? Do you truly need a RUBY RED gown made from the SHAMWOW material that cleans my car every weekend to ensure your the most stylish person NEVER?

Now, I'm a huge fan of Carol Burnett's Scarlett O'Hare and her innovative tailoring of velvet curtains into a dress within 30 seconds for Harvey Korman's Rhett Butler "WENT WITH THE WIND" circa 1978 ,but even they couldn't stop laughing during that scene because of the absurdity.

If I ever come to your house and you are wearing a one piece anything...Let's just call it what it is....A house dress...case closed.

Now please realize this ONE SIZE FITS MOST has its pitfalls. You may have a slot for your cold hands to down your Sudafed mixer, but after sitting on that corduroy couch drinking diet soda and iced tea since you awoke at 11am, you will have to get up as there is NOT an extra hole for you to relieve yourself (that is an extra $19.99). Don't forget to brush the cheese doodles off both your trailer trash tuxedo and your hands before you even get the bathroom or your new HUMAN TENT will will forever leave a bulls-eye for the family pets curiosity.

Now I do apologize if you belong to Heaven's Gate UFO cult and you are wearing Nike running shoes under that monochromatic apparel to prepare you for that infomercial in the sky known as the HOME SHOPPING NETWORK. But next time you think you found a reason to not get dressed like the rest of the world, rent the Ben Hur classic and watch what the lions did to the idiots in their SNUGGIES.

I'm Listening, But Can't Hear a Word You Said

I do watch too much TV. I think of it like a traffic accident. I just can't look away because I feel I will miss the epitome of a 10-car pile up right in front of my eyes.

Need one more gift before the holiday? Need that little something something to truly cap off a festive season? Look no further than this amazing plastic (faux metal) box with ToysRus headphones. The LISTENUP SOUND amplifier is the cure for all who truly need to hear who hates them today.

That's right, hold this inconspicuous 1988 beeper/pager up to the world to bring in that mysterious ambient noise that you haven't been able to decipher from all the normal garbage we hear daily for a full comprehension of the moment's waste of oxygen.

I don't know about you. But do I truly want to hold this up (CHEST HIGH AND POINTED AT THE SOURCE OF AUDIO) to hear my neighbors complain about my dog's bathroom habits or how I haven't raked leaves since April?

Do I want to spend my bonus money on the ability to hear all that I have been ignoring my whole life? I don't think so. There is a reason I wait until I hear people repeat their request three times. I'm a man and I have this hope they will forget what they actually need me to do again before asking a fourth time. I perhaps see the need to bring it to church, but I might accidentally have my iPod plugged into it..HEY.... I'm JUST SAYING.

The most exciting part of this device to me is the fact that if I ever saw someone wearing this technological wonder of one AAA battery with a belt clip, I would silently mouth the Gettysburg address, laughing intermittently, to cause such paranoia and panic in this pseudo spy of the eavesdrop world, they would turn the volume up soo high, they will actually hear Arctic wolves howl for the dinner before they hear me say with complete clarity, "I just read that those devices cause incontinence in three of out four users and I just heard my neighbor has one."

Park for your Car, not your Ego

No. You didn't just do what I think you did. What possessed you to think that your car is "all that". I'm watching you. I shaking my head hoping you just started driving yesterday. Better yet, tell me that a bug crawled up your leg and you avoided crashing by parking and swatting insects simultaneously.

OH, I recognized you now, you are the same guy who takes up a seat and a half on a plane while never removing his elbow from the middle armrest for 4 straight hours.

Yes YOU. I don't ever forget an act of selflessness. It is hard to forget someone when their whole life they have been the ones cutting in front of us in lunch lines at school, in concert lines and I know later in life you will be cutting in front of us for social security checks because the Ultimate Fighting Championship is on Pay Per View in an hour.

But this parking scheme episode where no one will be able to park within 100 ft of you is beyond an acceptable act of etiquette. Please tell me again why you have one suction cup on your windshield for your EACH of your satellite radio, GPS, radar detector, hands-free speaker, and one for your 2003 version of a Palm Pilot.

It epitomizes your life. From now on, the rest of us in your world will try to make your life comfortable in your own pathetic way.

When you sit at a restaurant, we'll give you an extra table for your ego so we don't scratch our lives with yours while we laugh at your V-neck sweater vest that was last worn during a Star Trek Convention.

When you walk in our offices, we'll give you an extra chair just for your stupidity to have a solid base not to overtake its counter of your ignorance and bad taste in cologne. What is the scent you are wearing.... "NIGHT PASTURE"?

When you drive on your road, we'll give you one extra lane to ensure your bad taste in vehicles don't stink up the interstate and our choice of transportation as we check off your air freshener as road kill afterthought.

When you stand in line for the bathroom, we'll give you an extra stall so you can have room to grow....and hope you understand concepts of overcompensating for your shortcomings.

But in the end it will all work out. As when you pass away from your diluted, customized, sugar coated world, we will also provide you an pimped out coffin with an armrest and two burial plots parked diagonal for your eternity filled abyss world of emptiness. Oh wait, that is just your car that was converted instead of recycled into next year landfill.

Life Rules by Hollywood's Finest

Saw a clip from Brad Pitt and Kate Blanchett about their parenting experiences from a recent interview on Oprah.

Can someone explain to celebrities they are not the first people in the Earth's history to ever have a child? Last time I checked, the number is closer to 1 gazillion just in the past few centuries. I mean even children in West Virgina have had children in the past few hundred years and they aren't sharing the fact that it was the best thing since they TRIED having a baby.

Brad, "You wouldn't believe it. My kids are soo funny and very smart. I'm also impervious to poo, snot, vomit etc..If you ever get a chance to have one, please do."

REALLY? You mean the rest of the universe has never met a child under the age of 10? No one, whether you are a parent or not, has any clue having a child will CHANGE your life and give you a new purpose in life.

I need Tristan/Achilles the non-committal explorer/warrior telling me that children take up time, are an amazing part of life and can create noises that are hard to define.

Hey, Mr. Jolie, can you also explain to us what it feels like to win anything in life or receive a present from a stranger.

How am I suppose to know if I awake in the morning when an alarm goes off unless Brad tells me it works that way.

Oh pray tell Mr. Tyler Durden. Please, please share with me what I should look forward to when I actually ever go to a birthday party for a child. Do they truly get a year older. I mean...you are an amazing human being sharing the fact that having a child is the best thing to ever happen to you. I was going to guess agreeing to do Ocean's 45 would be your choice, but that would just be too obvious.

Kate, "We all get old with each second, we need to appreciate our lives with them each moment." Kate, Kate, Kate, You have played a Queen in movies so often you think that we are all your loyal subjects. You are cute, but I don't need anyone telling me that each second the world goes by we get older.

I now know where to go to figure out life before I experience it. We dont need to read, listen or view life ourselves. Who needs parents when you have Hollywood's finest provide us with the rules of the world.

I wasn't going to write this post, but Brad and Kate have shared with me that sharing your thoughts with your friends, makes you a better communicator.

Kate you are soo right. I feel years older just watching that video clip of you and Brad that has now taken 10 minutes of my life I will never get back. Make that 11, I just wrote about it.