Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Life after Death Powerpoint
Friday, May 16, 2008
Dichotomy of Service
To juggle multiple tables in unison, to handle rudeness and high maintenance patrons is more than enough to understand their secret society and synchronization of their escape pod for brief lapses of time. But why is it the exact moment when I need my drink filled or as a condiment is missing they take that particular moment to beam away to the Utopia of Waitstaff Land. It must a a cool bar in the ozone where they don't ask each other for anything and each time they appear, a stuffed tip jar shows up on their laps.
In the meantime, I steal the ketchup from the next table, I suck on the ice in my glass to extend the life of my beverage until my server with a button that reads, "ASK ME HOW TO GET A FREE APPETIZER" returns. The night continues, the glasses are drier than my mouth which is now FULL when the mystical appearance of my long lost waitress (Think Britney after JT but before KFED) asks if I need anything. I mumble, "Perhaps I could have the drink you promised, a new bottle of ketchup and a complimentary ticket to your escape world so I can disappear at the exact moment when the world needs me and suddenly appear when it doesn't."
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Packed By Volume Not Weight
After removing enough cotton to stuff a KissMe Elmo and a Pamela Anderson autographed silicone gel pack to keep it fresh (yes, I hate when pills aren't ripe yet), I noticed that all of the pills combined don't even fill a 1/4 of the bottle. Serious, not even close. I have gotten over the nutritional fact my potato chip bags contain vacuumed air and I am only getting .035 chip for every true craving. But a pill? I just want some honesty in my purchasing transaction. If I am getting only enough pills to sedate a cricket, tell me. If the bottle is to keep me from understanding depth perception, than I will believe TMZ is quality journalism. At least use my car's side view mirror as a label so items I open may appear larger than they actually are.
But to see the bottom of the bottle when I first open it, requires a little more resilience than I'm willing to sustain. Perhaps you should check the envelope I handed back to you to purchase the bottle. It may fit a new Mac AirBook, but remove the cotton and a gelpack and I'm sure you will get the full picture of what I thought it was worth.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Publication Carnage
I read a "save the planet" magazine yesterday with an ALL GREEN theme yesterday and 12 subscription cards came out of it. The whole magazine is all about they want me to recycle. Wouldn't it save more of the world and my time to NOT jam 5x6 index cards into every other page just to have a magazine mailed to me in plastic wrap.
Even though I do get most of my news and current events from the web, I still enjoy reading every REAL magazine I can get my hands on. It's not truly reading, more like perusing quickly through millions of ads, one good article and what house, body, car, clothes, technology, vacation and place I will never have, own, see, use, try, visit or enjoy. I don't want a subscription. I don't want to admit I chose this genre as my life theme or that genre depicting who I am in the target consumer classification group.
I like to decide at the exact time I'm there-at the bookstore, grocery store or airport what I want to browse and how many I want to browse with. If I choose to read when the magazine is mailed to my home, it reflects a commitment. I'm not ready to commit to you as a publication. I'm still figuring out who I am as a consumer. I'm dating other publications right now and they don't seem to ask for that exclusivity as long as I visit them at local establishments and choose to bring them home periodically.
You can try to keep yourself in my compulsive mind by stuffing sexy insert cards (83 cents an issue in case you ask) on all the pages I plan to read, but remember I like my open lifestyle with gloss too much and I'm not ready to settle down with "4x4 Monster Trucks Illustrated" on a monthly basis. Unless its the yearly swimsuit edition. Love those off road features, I mean articles.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Parking Wise, Time Foolish
Forget the fact that it had to be the worse T-turn, reverse, slowly inch-by-inch back into a space made for compact, parking spot maneuver I have ever seen, there must be some method to your rear facing madness. Right now, I am clocking you at a a minute-thirty to pull in that 1995 gem of a car you have decided needs to face out towards the world instead of in like the other 1000 cars. I am not a conformist either, but explain the fact you spent 3x more time manipulating your car around than you are ever going to save to Exit later today.
Unless you just robbed a bank, have tickets to the Jonas Brothers concert or are late for a blood transfusion, I think it is more than adequate to just park that 4-cylinder generic version of a Taurus headfirst into the spot and let the rest of us do what we do best, pass you on the way to a better spot near the entrance. On my way in, I'll put a bumper sticker on your front bumper that reads, "Honk, if you see me wasting your day."
Monday, May 12, 2008
Listening to the Blues
Hence my hesitation to be a slight bit tone deaf about the "wearable" wireless headsets" There has to be some etiquette to avoid the inappropriate times of looking like a Cyborg stage hand at a Star Trek convention. I agree, in the car is more than appropriate, though in a four- star restaurant when you are NOT suppose to use it is not. I can't stomach the fact I'm watching that growth pulsing a blue LED out of your ear as I wait for my Chilean sea bass. Walking in a grocery store, hands-free is fine with my Miss Manners, especially if you have a cart and three kids asking for pop tarts every other aisle. But walking around your child's soccer game screaming "pass it my Joey, he's open" while your hands are free to express your parental frustrations conveys "Secret Service Wannabe" from the outside. (just my opinion of course).
Perhaps you could hear the public's laughter echoing your technology faux pas if you didn't have a huge plastic Q-tip exuding from your lobes when you should be focusing on the urinal in front of you. These techno wonders were made for you to laugh at life's tasks, not for us to laugh at your silicone earrings .
Friday, May 9, 2008
Guess Who's Driving
There is an 85% chance that the Corvette that just passed you has a driver with a mustache, a gold watch and a Member's Only jacket. Those small faux metallic painted sport cars (Mitsubishi Eclipses, Mazda 3s, Nissan Sentras) that just can't stay in the same lane for more than 1.4 seconds even when the traffic is stopped has a driver who spent more money on the speakers, spoilers and rims than the car itself. As the Fast & the Furious MiniMe cuts you off, your perception is confirmed in a cartoon flash. The driver is a man (I use that term loosely) who is about 5' 3 inches, wears more jewelry than Joan Rivers and has the cell phone on the outside ear to show you he can multi-task. Maybe he should borrow a phone book to see over the dashboard before he winks at himself in the mirror going 85. Perhaps the favorite of the drive by shootings of stereotypical steering wheel inhabitors is the Extra Double Dual Cab Pick-up Truck driver who hasn't realized the Civil War was over 120 years ago but still wants us all to know he drives a Chevy, not a Chevrolet, loves guns and anything that looks like bull testicles which can hang from his mirror. He wants us to know that Cowboys do it on horses-which is not what he think it means but its too late to explain it to him as I don't have 120 years to teach him about semantics.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Press #$%*$ for my opinion
Friday, May 2, 2008
Bleeding for Godot
Me? I'm just here for a physical. I'm just thinking a quick disrobe, a few coughs, deep inhales and a blood test. How did I get into this delayed "Groundhog Day" sequel? At 5pm I'm in the exam room which is Latin for "extended waiting room #2". A robe that doesn't quite cover my comfort level, a table that hasn't been warm since an little Bobby used it as a urinal and three different size boxes of latex gloves. (um..please choose the extra small gloves when you arrive doc, please)
A lab tech comes in to take my temperature, blood pressure and two tubes of blood for testing. I have had many, many blood tests in my life, but I still can't watch the needle enter my skin. Now I know why. She pokes, prods, squeezes, looks for veins that aren't there, muscle that is and hits only nerves or bone or anything but a vein for the next 20 minutes of my now shortened life. Two complete misses with that weapon of mass destruction.
Now seriously. I can not and would not be able to take blood from someone else, but if it WAS MY JOB, I would find a way to do it right..or at least not recreate the Spanish Inquisition. She had to ask the doctor to prick me the third time but by then I would have settled for an amputation before letting that lab tech stick me again. The doctor completes the test and ends my exam asking how I have been feeling. Actually, I didn't feel sick at all until I came to this office. but now I'm coughing, arguing that I need to go to the restroom before I leave and have a rash that won't stop itching but cheerfully respond, "I'm fine doc, same time next year?"
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Impulsive Compulsive Shopping
I grab anything that says six for the price of five even though I never bought or needed ONE of them EVER. Don't even get me started on the cereal aisle where you know you are in trouble when Cap'n Crunch is the less appealing box on the wall. Then as I'm waiting for the lady in front of me who bought one of those 1/2 boxes of eggs, one thing of yogurt, a pint of half & half and a People magazine, I realize she has to be single. No. No, not because of her purchases, just because she is really ugly. (old joke I threw in because its early it the morning)
Back to the aisle where I bought 3 packs of the newest gum with the newest way to have taste last 11 seconds in your mouth, an eyeglass repair kit (for who? if I could see the screws in my glasses I wouldn't need glasses), seven different types of batteries and ANOTHER nail clipper so I have one in every drawer in the house. Remind me next time I need lettuce to just start a garden. I can't be trusted just cause I have a special store membership card that saves me 23 cents on my total purchases.