Friday, June 15, 2012



I love watching these games and you are right. ..I couldn’t even bounce a ball twice on my knee if asked so put my opinion in perspective. But watching this year’s Euro Cup I have to just say two words. “GET UP”!!!!!

Enough of these so-called collisions, falls, trips, spills, or miss shots giving the players an opportunity to cry, lie down and feint an injury.

I know. I know. It’s playing the umpires. Its part of the history and it’s the strategy of the game. YEAH YEAH YEAH.

But in my day if you EVER failed to jump up, get up or hurry your butt back on defense immediately in Basketball, Football or Lacrosse (sports where contact is at car accident levels), not only would you be ridiculed and benched until you were old enough to actually be retired in a wheelchair, but your own teammates, fans and MOTHER would completely disown you. And Yes, when I was young, I had to play UPHILL, BOTH WAYS IN THE SNOW.

Please Soccer (European football) players. JUST PLAY through the pain my son. Rub some dirt on it boyyyyyyy!!! It’s a’s a bruise…OK OK. We get it, but know the difference between pain and injury … Injury means we won’t see you next week. Pain is defined as watching you hold your knee, foot or head after being kissed by a player the size of Napoleon while the rest of your team shrugs their shoulders in disgust and thinks…”Again?”

Seriously, you only fell down. Correct me if I’m wrong but you have been playing this sport since you were four and as an adult you still feel the need to lie there, crying and hoping to get a call, a break or a rest.

Dude, just get up and act like you have played this sport before. It’s a game, not a battlefield. You got bumped into….MY OH MY. MEDIC!!! MEDIC!!! Your own band of brothers can’t even believe you are lying there. Las Vegas has the odds 7-2 you won’t even grow a pair. That mark on your calf was what we call in AMERICA a BOO BOO and you are calling for a priest to read your last rites.

I have smacked flies harder than that in the woods and bled more from mosquito bites and you have the audacity to act like you need both an amputation and a standing ovation?

You are a world class athlete. No argument. You are a world class player in the most popular sport in the world. Congrats. But you are also the biggest cry baby I have seen since The NBA banned the Kim Kardashian from entering their locker rooms. (I watch WAYY too much reality TV)

The only words I ever want to hear watching your exciting and captivating sport is “GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL” not….. “Mommy, kiss it better.“

Thursday, June 14, 2012


BOOOOOM- On my recent trip from Basel to London ONLY moments before we flew over the English Channel one of the TWO engines on my SwissAir flight blew up. No joke, as I don’t joke about my next breath of air.

AND I mean a Wikipedia defining type of engine disaster BOOM. Not a sonic boom, not a Boom Boom Boom lets go up to your room. Not Boom Boom Mancini…I mean BOOM as no matter what language you spoke or where you lived, everyone on my flight mouthed aloud (BOOM?!!!!?!!!?)

Now it might have been only five minutes but it felt as though the jet shook, rattled and was off balance for 20 minutes and then, finally the plane began to steady.

Yes, perhaps I was the only American on the flight but everyone else just silently stared straight ahead as if their teacher is having roll call? If you understood English you would hear me and only me expressing the conversation loud enough even the French coast below could hear me.

“What the H---,folks THAT was a BOOM, not a tick, not turbulence; not even a drop in altitude. IT was a BOOM of 6.9 on the Richter scale. Am I the only one needing a bathroom visit at the moment?

OK, where is the life vest again? Where is that FREAKIN red whistle and what is that small light on the vest for? Do I inflate it now or wait for water to enter my lungs? Seriously, I want that oxygen thingy to drop down so I can place it over my face first and then MAYBE help others if needed… Maybe.

NO NO…I didn’t listen to your repeated instructions or read the emergency card like I should have every time I have flown. I have got 1 million miles under me but I have no idea how to connect or tighten a seat belt, which I have done more times than even buckling my own pants.”

Now all the Swiss, French and Germans were completely quiet as the pilot calmly announced (first in German, then in French and then FINALLY in English) there was an engine malfunction and we are safely returning to Basel to "check out" the problem.

A problem? It was a BOOM. A problem is 2+2= or why does the chicken cross the road? This was a BOOM. I just kept listening for “ladies and gentlemen, please kiss your arse goodbye in any language so I could prepare myself to bend over.

After my heart slowed and my breathing naturalized, all I could think of was my last meal on earth was a compact version of a processed chicken in a steamed wrapper, sparkling water which was flat and a retired sweaty bodybuilder who sat next to me was sadly going to be the last person I will see before I leave earth.

Then I thought…honestly, could Hell really be any worse?

Please feel free to roam about this conversation in the safety of your own home.