THE SPORT THAT CRIES WOLF

http://www.cynicalbuzz.com/

THE SPORT THAT CRIES WOLF


I love watching these games and you are right. ..I couldn’t even bounce a ball twice on my knee if asked so put my opinion in perspective. But watching this year’s Euro Cup I have to just say two words. “GET UP”!!!!!

Enough of these so-called collisions, falls, trips, spills, or miss shots giving the players an opportunity to cry, lie down and feint an injury.

I know. I know. It’s playing the umpires. Its part of the history and it’s the strategy of the game. YEAH YEAH YEAH.

But in my day if you EVER failed to jump up, get up or hurry your butt back on defense immediately in Basketball, Football or Lacrosse (sports where contact is at car accident levels), not only would you be ridiculed and benched until you were old enough to actually be retired in a wheelchair, but your own teammates, fans and MOTHER would completely disown you. And Yes, when I was young, I had to play UPHILL, BOTH WAYS IN THE SNOW.

Please Soccer (European football) players. JUST PLAY through the pain my son. Rub some dirt on it boyyyyyyy!!! It’s a scratch..it’s a bruise…OK OK. We get it, but know the difference between pain and injury … Injury means we won’t see you next week. Pain is defined as watching you hold your knee, foot or head after being kissed by a player the size of Napoleon while the rest of your team shrugs their shoulders in disgust and thinks…”Again?”

Seriously, you only fell down. Correct me if I’m wrong but you have been playing this sport since you were four and as an adult you still feel the need to lie there, crying and hoping to get a call, a break or a rest.

Dude, just get up and act like you have played this sport before. It’s a game, not a battlefield. You got bumped into….MY OH MY. MEDIC!!! MEDIC!!! Your own band of brothers can’t even believe you are lying there. Las Vegas has the odds 7-2 you won’t even grow a pair. That mark on your calf was what we call in AMERICA a BOO BOO and you are calling for a priest to read your last rites.

I have smacked flies harder than that in the woods and bled more from mosquito bites and you have the audacity to act like you need both an amputation and a standing ovation?

You are a world class athlete. No argument. You are a world class player in the most popular sport in the world. Congrats. But you are also the biggest cry baby I have seen since The NBA banned the Kim Kardashian from entering their locker rooms. (I watch WAYY too much reality TV)

The only words I ever want to hear watching your exciting and captivating sport is “GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL” not….. “Mommy, kiss it better.“

Attention Deficit In Order

Attention Deficit In Order

http://www.cynicalbuzz.com

I see you. YES, I see you again. There you are waving emphatically. There is a handmade sign you have flashing in and out of my peripheral vision to where I can't ignore you. You HAVE to have something better to do with your morning than to pop up and down begging for attention as you stand behind the glass studio wall for NBC's TODAY SHOW while I try to finish my breakfast.

I'm so glad you are proud of your Alma Mater and feel a loyalty to make a homemade sign for attention. I'm thrilled that you are celebrating your 50th birthday with your friends on a trip to NYC and happen to stroll by 30 Rock at 7:00 in the morning. But no one else cares other than the four other ladies with you who EVEN Al Roker is trying to avoid.

We truly just want you to move to the next tourist stop on your day trip so we can watch the news, weather, sports and how many more times the police were called into Charlie Sheen's house last week. (THE important, critical news of the day only please)

Standing on someone's shoulders at a rock concert is annoying itself, but DOING it just to be situated above Matt Lauer as he talks about airline security is tacky at best, aggravating at its worse.

Seriously, even if I did KNOW you and you came from my hometown, I would never admit I did. I truly would have even disowned you if you were my Mom holding a sign that said, "Hi Erik, look at me and Aunty Em". When they talk about the 15 minutes of fame for each of us, I truly hope those 15 seconds I'll never get back count towards YOUR ENTIRE TIMELINE of fame for at least MY lifetime.

Perhaps I am envious. Yes, maybe I would love to have Kathy Lee Gifford turn and wink at me. (is that a wink or a astigmatism?) But I would never, ever, clap like a seal in front of 40 million people so I can see myself clap on the TV monitor facing me and OH wait! HEY..wait, that is my college friend standing right there next to Meredith Viera. HI ..HI can you see me?....WOW. How cool is that.. He is so lucky. Wink

Predictive Analytics of the Day

Predictive Analytics of the Day

http://www.cynicalbuzz.com

"promising 3 inches...guaranteeing 6 inches....predicting 12 inches" In my conservative opinion, I think it's time we regulate the meteorologist industry to rethink their vernacular before they go on TV and forecast a big blizzard or better yet, they should keep their excited opinions about their personal depth perception to themselves.

Is there any other career where you can miss 7 out of 10 times at your craft and still excel at your job (not including baseball)? Please, please!! In my next life, pay me to be a weatherman for Phoenix or San Diego or Bora Bora where I stand there for 10 minutes a day and go. "It's going to be a pretty nice day. There were worries about seeing a cloud or two, but that was only a heat spot on the Doppler radar. Tomorrow should be more of the same and the weekend looks ...well...um...pretty darn good too."

I TOO, want to stand in front of you and point to a digital map which only, I, interpret as good, bad or indifferent based on some "neat charts". I want to wear bad blazers, flashy ties and bonded teeth to tell you what you already know, "It is COLD, WARM, HOT" or the all time favorite as they point, "if you are HERE...you should be feeling some rain in your area about now."

Yes, sign me up to have 'some good ole banter' with the sports guy next to me who is reading the old news and scores off the internet with a clip-on tie and my co-anchors who are excellent ..I MEAN..excellent at reading scrolling copy at 45 wpm. But please correct yourself when read, "Afghanistan Militia" when hyphenated. It's sounds so wrong when you say, "Afgan and Stan licious".

My next life, I promise to pay more attention to air pressure, barometer readings and jet streams as I will ask my future parents to name me Storm, Chilly, or Rain to ensure my career as a futurist of precipitation does not go unnoticed, unrewarded and to guarantee I get a cool red jacket with blow dry hair to wear on the air to tell you to "HAVE A ____ DAY", depending on the inches of course.

DOING TIME WITHOUT THE CRIME

DOING TIME WITHOUT THE CRIME

http://www.cynicalbuzz.com

Yes, my perception is tainted. My travels for work spoil me with lovely hotels in great cities. However, some hotels should not be occupied, but donated to prisons for overcrowding. It's supposed to be a home away from home, not the equivalent of doing 10-15 hours in a state penitentiary.

I should have known better as even my GPS couldn't find this "Four Seasons" of solitary confinement in rural New York state. My loyal gadget of the directionally disabled not only couldn't locate it, it never even heard of the road or worse yet, the crime district it was in.

My GPS only kept telling me, "RECALCULATING...RECALCULATING...GO BACK NOW BEFORE YOU END UP IN HOSTEL IV or SCREAM 6".

Too late. When you walk into a BATES HOTEL room and there are SIGNS all over to help you with the obvious, you know it's going to be a night to remember..or one you try to forget.

There is a direct correlation to the number of "DON'T" signs and the stars in hotel rating system. A four star hotel will have only one sign, "THANK YOU". However, a Minus four-star hotel with security cameras will have 20 signs within a 20 square foot space.

-Don't hang anything here (it's a freakin' sprinkler on the ceiling..what am I going to hang? a Piñata?

-Don't use blow dryer near water (Thanks, but I like saving time to wash and dry hair at same time)

-Don't turn lights on after midnight (Does this mean the toilet is non-working after midnight too?)

-Don't touch A/C. (Why would I? I'm going to be perfectly comfortable all night in "lock down", one small window, with no lights after midnight to read more "Don't do anything" signs.

Alcatraz had more amenities, but it at least had a view of the San Francisco Bay. I'm just staring at a flashing hotel street sign that says. WE HAVE CABLE. ...Cable?..wow...Now all is good in Whoville.

After hours driving, I just want to sleep at night and shower in the morning. No need for breakfast in bed or strawberries at night. I'm easy like that.

But what I can't cope with is only ONE pillow and a quilted sheet/blanket/bed spread combo to sleep with. What is that?...A QUILTANKET? I didn't know if I was suppose to lay under it, in it, over it or put helium in it and escape from this prison yard of discomfort.

If the next morning, the shower would be my saving grace, All would be forgotten. Too bad I would have been cleaner if a prison guard hosed me down in CELL BLOCK TWO before this luxury bathroom suite of cleanliness got the job done.

I'm over 6'3" and the shower head was 3'6" off the floor. It took me over an hour to wash with a soap wafer the size of a CHEEZ-IT. It is sad when you have to negotiate which parts of my body needed the soap more and the rest can wait for tomorrow. Worse yet, it took me 90 minutes to dry off as I reached to grab a towel . No, let me rephrase that. NO towel, just a SHAMWOW to squeegee myself off. YES, I felt like an Olympic diver as I used this 6-inch yellow faux chamois to rid my body of moisture.

I finally checked out, (or depending on how you look at it-released) and the front desk/security asked me how was my stay. I just took a deep breath now that I've been broken and said. "THANK YOU SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?"

I did tell him I truly only wanted to see ONE more sign before I left this hotel/prison combo. He said, "What would that be?" I responded, "You've been Punk'd".

Sadly, it was real and I only felt slighted the lights went out last night right before I finished giving myself a tattoo. Yes, I got to get Inked or I would have no proof of doing my time. Peace out.

Neighbor Can You Spare Some Time

My favorite elderly neighbors asked me to come over yesterday to help them with some new FANGLED technology. I gratefully ran over salivating hoping to assist Mavis and Eddie with perhaps a Bluetooth music system or HDTV linked to their netbooks.

As they graciously opened their door like their long lost son just returned from the war (I saw their furniture..we’re talking the Civil War), I see a box holding a—cassette loading refurbished answering machine and a VCR on a TV which was YES, you guessed it, still flashing 12:01 12:01 12:01 12:01 12:01.

My current age must not have resonated with them as they offered me cookies and milk as I set up their answering machine, even know I could swear I smelled their afternoon ritual of whiskey sours seeping through the air.

I tried to simplify the process of them recording their message into the machine even testing it with them a few times before I felt confident they could handle it.

Before I left, I adjusted their MAGNAVOX VCR clock and set the timer so they can tape their GUIDING LIGHT soap opera but I just didn’t have the heart to tell them it’s being cancelled in a few weeks.

That evening, I felt obligated to call to see the technical progress of my “greatest generation” and their giant step into the 19.5th century as the answering machine kicked on.

Then….the love I felt knowing they followed my directions to the every detail was just overwhelming.

“HI…YOU HAVE….REACHED THE CIRELLI’S…." “It’s not working Eddie..the light isn’t on..” MAVIS, SSHHH….ERIK TOLD ME THAT IT ONLY NEEDS TO FLASH ONCE,…IT IS ON………PLEASE LEAVE A MESS---" “Eddie…I don’t think that is the light he was talking about.. He was talking about the VCR light” "MAVIS.. I KNOW WHAT I’M DO---.BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP”

Mmm…the only message I could leave was. “Your answering machine sounds perfect. I hope you enjoy your PROGRAM tonight” as I rushed to send their phone number to everyone on my twitter account because no one is going to believe this message unless they hear it for themselves.

Sleepless For All the Wrong Reasons

You've been there. Unless you are 9 months old and your only concern in life is NOT if you will be changed in the morning, but how often-Then you have been THERE.

Where? In that world where you are WIDE AWAKE and no place to go.


Are you concerned you haven't watched enough Reality TV and your favorite Idol just didn't get enough text messages from your cheap 30 messages max-a-month plan to make to next week or the late night talk circuit didn't give you enough stupid people tricks with people who think they actually have a talent (sorry, but I can make disturbing noises with my body too, but I don't go on Letterman to prove it to my pals back at Costco.)

Or were you stuck flipping channels and couldn't turn off one of the 50 Meg Ryan movies playing after midnight where she..um..yes...CRIES. (I guarantee she get paid by the teardrop)

What keeps us up? Truly, we have to understand that nothing can or will be done until the morning, where that alarm you set clearly to music the night before goes off playing static white noise which is not what you perceived it would sound like 8 hours before.

It must be that you are trying to even out the duration of how long you slept on the left side versus the right versus the lying flat on the back position.

Did you spend enough time on your stomach with a tempur-pedic pillow perpetually punched or did you exercise your right to submit to the fetal-tucked position with all the blankets wrapped around you?

Perhaps what is keeping you awake is your good heart where you ponder your existence with in regards to the devastation of global warming, the pummeling economy or worse yet, if A-ROD really, truly chose VOGUE as his favorite Madonna song.

How silly of me. It's probably every ache and pain that never existed in your body 10 years ago that exists today just for the sole reason to prove you are aging.

It could be the anxiety of retiring before you hit 100. But then again, if you sleep walk until then, you will just have more time to lay awake wondering did I just waste one of my last nights on Earth ..SLEEPING?

Some of us may even dream of the next time they visit a mattress store and no one will be in there to help them to pick out the SERTA PERFECT SLEEPER?

I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt and think you may be completely unselfish and are just worrying for others.

Yes, you could be concerned about your children, parents, friends, co-workers or just that damn neighbor next door who plays the 80's music NO one admits playing. (Who on this earth remembers Marillion and Sly Fox?)

Are you just methodically going through your todo list for tomorrow?Are you thinking, "I didn't call you, write him, remind her, drop off this one, pick up that one, schedule, meet, eat or finish the list from yesterday. Honestly, I haven't even touched the list from the last millennium, let alone yesterday and I wasn't sleeping much then either but I had a legitimate cold so the extra dose of Sudafed helped."

I would hate to think its an over stimulus as my mind still hauntingly echos T.I and Justin Timberlake's song DEAD AND GONE.

...I"m DRIVING ON THIS ROAD SOO LONG.TOO LONG...TRYING TO FIND MY WAY BACK HOME.....OOOHHHHoooohhh.. I turn my body to the north.....I turn my body to the east .....

Now it can't be MY reason..Perhaps yours? And if it was mine, Do you think I'd put it in writing?

I think most of us don't sleep because it just feels like deja vu all over again. But I would expect the number one reason we are having trouble sleeping is not for lack of effort, no warm milk, or temperature variances in our homes. I think it has to do more with the fact I need to ..um...let's see...where was i? zzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzz.

A Think-Over for the MakeOver

As you non-chalantly walk down the street with your friends, family or hopefully alone, a stranger walks up to you and to your surprise.....decides that YOU are the lucky recipient of an AMBUSH Makeover.

OK...why are you thrilled with the idea that out of the millions of inhabitants of your wonderful city, you were chosen to need the most HELP. Run now before we all watch your life's most embarrasing moment since you wore the same prom dress as YOUR date.

Excuse me, but isn't this as thrilling as after a few weeks of not seeing someone and they start off greeting you with, "You look good. Have you lost some weight?" Whether you did or not, it meant you needed to drop some poundage anyway. No, no matter how you try to justify it, this wasn't a compliment.

Is it me or do you think the prospect that YOU are the one who needs help with your style, hair, make up and frumpy outfits should offend you, not elate you? Are you screaming and jumping up and down because you finally got your 15 minutes of fame or because you think they are paying you for this comedy they are producing.

This is not a way to start your day after you have spent the last few years thinking you got your life in order. A makeover means only one thing. Everyone within an earshot of you is laughing at you in public daily. You don't need a makeover, you need a strong drink and some new friends if they never had the courage to tell you NOT to wear matching outfits with the office UPS man.

Watching a makeover show to see the transformation from an ugly duckling to a golden swan is enjoyable to the viewer..um that is me. But what could be going through your mind when you thought you were ALL THAT in the first place.

Perhaps that explains the multiple boyfriends who used that "ITS ME, NOT YOU" excuse over and over as they kept asking if you were a mechanic.

Realize for your own good, there are millions of dollars spent every day publishing style and hair magazines. (At least that is what I have heard)

Read just one or ALL of them and then look at your SOMETHING ABOUT MARY hair flip style combined with anything Janeane Garofalo wears anytime and do something about it before these two obnoxious style mavens ambush you and ask you if you have an hour to change your life.

Yeah, tell them you have all the time in the world, to hide from the general public until bright colored overalls and bad perms that make Roseanne Barr cringe come back into style.

Better yet, go back to bed and wake up again. Tomorrow, bedhead might be the next NEW look.

Key Master of Suburbia

Excuse me. I see you trying to find your wallet and all I can say as you sort through your faux Coach bag is, "Where you going with that tool belt of metal and plastic?"

Schneider from "One Day at a Time" only had 5 keys and he was the building superintendent for that whole building.

Please, I'm listening. What do you need other than a house key, a car key and your HEALTH FITNESS plastic mini membership card? Serious, I saw your grocery cart, I know that COSTCO card is used way more than that ExerWISE tab and your key chain on a leash is equivalent to one average size dumbbell as it is.

Let me help. Keep your garage door opener in the car: Dump the female version of a Swiss Army knife as it has no purpose other than to create havoc at security in the department stores.

Remove those souvenir items along with your rabbit's tail and your car will get another 10 mpg per tank of gas. Seriously, how often do you really open a beer bottle while you are driving anyway?

Those other keys. What are they good for? Absolutely nothing. There is just no possible way anyone in this world gave you access to anything other than your souped up 1999 Honda Prelude.

I truly thought when you pulled it out, you were setting up a Coleman Family Tent for six and your keys were the support poles. I haven't seen that much junk hooked together since MacGyver went off the air back in '92.

Go home, unload that knapsack with anything other than the key to the car you are actually driving and perhaps you won't spend the next few minutes in front of me complaining that your have lower back problems.

Better yet. Here's $25.00. Buy your self the Clapper for every electronic item you own and begin your new healthy new year's resolution by working on your upper body. Blog On...Blog Off.

Getting Ugly on the Snuggie

Give me a minute...please...I just shot milk out of my nose from laughing so hard at my NEW favorite (BUY THIS BECAUSE YOU ARE DUMBER THAN THE MASSES) commercial. The amazing super soft luxurious fleece hands-free SNUGGY that is one light saber away from being inducted into the Star Wars costume hall of fame.

I know you hate it when the blanket is just not long enough for both your hands and your swollen feet and perhaps there truly isn't an answer to the times when you need to use your hands while you sit on your lazy ass and watch the repeat episodes of the Ginzu knives/Steambuddy/Fix-a-chip/Abtwister hour.

EVER JUST TRY putting your hands back in the blanket after you use them? I'm sure together we can find alternative solutions before we have to digress to wearing roman attire before we retire.

Does your body lose that much heat for the brief second you answer the phone under your grandma's favorite afghan? Do you truly need a RUBY RED gown made from the SHAMWOW material that cleans my car every weekend to ensure your the most stylish person NEVER?

Now, I'm a huge fan of Carol Burnett's Scarlett O'Hare and her innovative tailoring of velvet curtains into a dress within 30 seconds for Harvey Korman's Rhett Butler "WENT WITH THE WIND" circa 1978 ,but even they couldn't stop laughing during that scene because of the absurdity.

If I ever come to your house and you are wearing a one piece anything...Let's just call it what it is....A house dress...case closed.

Now please realize this ONE SIZE FITS MOST has its pitfalls. You may have a slot for your cold hands to down your Sudafed mixer, but after sitting on that corduroy couch drinking diet soda and iced tea since you awoke at 11am, you will have to get up as there is NOT an extra hole for you to relieve yourself (that is an extra $19.99). Don't forget to brush the cheese doodles off both your trailer trash tuxedo and your hands before you even get the bathroom or your new HUMAN TENT will will forever leave a bulls-eye for the family pets curiosity.

Now I do apologize if you belong to Heaven's Gate UFO cult and you are wearing Nike running shoes under that monochromatic apparel to prepare you for that infomercial in the sky known as the HOME SHOPPING NETWORK. But next time you think you found a reason to not get dressed like the rest of the world, rent the Ben Hur classic and watch what the lions did to the idiots in their SNUGGIES.

I'm Listening, But Can't Hear a Word You Said

I do watch too much TV. I think of it like a traffic accident. I just can't look away because I feel I will miss the epitome of a 10-car pile up right in front of my eyes.

Need one more gift before the holiday? Need that little something something to truly cap off a festive season? Look no further than this amazing plastic (faux metal) box with ToysRus headphones. The LISTENUP SOUND amplifier is the cure for all who truly need to hear who hates them today.

That's right, hold this inconspicuous 1988 beeper/pager up to the world to bring in that mysterious ambient noise that you haven't been able to decipher from all the normal garbage we hear daily for a full comprehension of the moment's waste of oxygen.

I don't know about you. But do I truly want to hold this up (CHEST HIGH AND POINTED AT THE SOURCE OF AUDIO) to hear my neighbors complain about my dog's bathroom habits or how I haven't raked leaves since April?

Do I want to spend my bonus money on the ability to hear all that I have been ignoring my whole life? I don't think so. There is a reason I wait until I hear people repeat their request three times. I'm a man and I have this hope they will forget what they actually need me to do again before asking a fourth time. I perhaps see the need to bring it to church, but I might accidentally have my iPod plugged into it..HEY.... I'm JUST SAYING.

The most exciting part of this device to me is the fact that if I ever saw someone wearing this technological wonder of one AAA battery with a belt clip, I would silently mouth the Gettysburg address, laughing intermittently, to cause such paranoia and panic in this pseudo spy of the eavesdrop world, they would turn the volume up soo high, they will actually hear Arctic wolves howl for the dinner before they hear me say with complete clarity, "I just read that those devices cause incontinence in three of out four users and I just heard my neighbor has one."

Life Rules by Hollywood's Finest

Saw a clip from Brad Pitt and Kate Blanchett about their parenting experiences from a recent interview on Oprah.

Can someone explain to celebrities they are not the first people in the Earth's history to ever have a child? Last time I checked, the number is closer to 1 gazillion just in the past few centuries. I mean even children in West Virgina have had children in the past few hundred years and they aren't sharing the fact that it was the best thing since they TRIED having a baby.

Brad, "You wouldn't believe it. My kids are soo funny and very smart. I'm also impervious to poo, snot, vomit etc..If you ever get a chance to have one, please do."

REALLY? You mean the rest of the universe has never met a child under the age of 10? No one, whether you are a parent or not, has any clue having a child will CHANGE your life and give you a new purpose in life.

I need Tristan/Achilles the non-committal explorer/warrior telling me that children take up time, are an amazing part of life and can create noises that are hard to define.

Hey, Mr. Jolie, can you also explain to us what it feels like to win anything in life or receive a present from a stranger.

How am I suppose to know if I awake in the morning when an alarm goes off unless Brad tells me it works that way.

Oh pray tell Mr. Tyler Durden. Please, please share with me what I should look forward to when I actually ever go to a birthday party for a child. Do they truly get a year older. I mean...you are an amazing human being sharing the fact that having a child is the best thing to ever happen to you. I was going to guess agreeing to do Ocean's 45 would be your choice, but that would just be too obvious.

Kate, "We all get old with each second, we need to appreciate our lives with them each moment." Kate, Kate, Kate, You have played a Queen in movies so often you think that we are all your loyal subjects. You are cute, but I don't need anyone telling me that each second the world goes by we get older.

I now know where to go to figure out life before I experience it. We dont need to read, listen or view life ourselves. Who needs parents when you have Hollywood's finest provide us with the rules of the world.

I wasn't going to write this post, but Brad and Kate have shared with me that sharing your thoughts with your friends, makes you a better communicator.

Kate you are soo right. I feel years older just watching that video clip of you and Brad that has now taken 10 minutes of my life I will never get back. Make that 11, I just wrote about it.

Let's go to the video tape

Tell me again why you are protecting your store's most valuable assets with a security camera/image that can't determine if the suspect is actually a person or a goat. Last time I checked, even my cell phone's video capabilities can identify and clarify a person from 100 ft. to convict them of shoplifting.

Today, there are cameras that can be either a stand alone device or connected to basic computers that are visually comparable to HDTV for under a few hundred dollars.

Why do I turn on the news and see less than a shadow of a person hit an elderly person, rob a 7/11 or steal election signs from yards from an image that has more distortion than a Zapruder film clip of a Paris Hilton night out.

What are the authorities suppose to do with this pin-hole camera view of the crime scene?

OFFICER, "What did your security system capture on the suspect?"

STORE MANAGER, "uh...he is a person....and he I mean she..I mean he is wearing clothes..and he walks with two legs...and....they left with um..stuff. lots of stuff."

OFFICER, "Any distinctive marks that we can gather from the video?"

STORE MANAGER, "Yes..definitely, He was wearing a dark sweatshirt and some other clothes. OH OH..wait..I can also see that he likes to wear hoods...DOES that help officer?"

I have some great advice for anyone who has one of these security cameras propped up in the top corner of their store, lobby or warehouse. Don't even turn it on. Save a few bucks on electricity and buy a sign instead that says (We have attack dogs on site)

You have a better chance identifying the elusive Jack the Ripper from over a century ago than you do using this grainy, .0456 megapixel camera to help keep someone from stealing your Swedish Fish from the candy aisle.

"Quick, look, the suspect smiled. Oh wait, nevermind....that was just the low bat warning light."

Closed Caption for Yesterday's News

We've all been there. Busy loud public place with big screen TV's within an eye shot of your seat or perhaps you are home and having a hard time hearing the audio on your own TV. Capitalizing on the Closed Caption (CC) on the bottom of the screen is a perfect solution to ignore the rest of the world and still get your media fix.

But we seem to settle for this mediocre technology as cutting edge. This was designed to help the hearing impaired, right? But I know I'd be insulted if I was hearing impaired and the CC assumed I can't read faster than 5 words per minute (wpm). Why am I watching a story on a dying manatee on way to Florida, but reading about Palin's campaign snafu? (um...that didn't come out right)

I see the 5-day forecast is up on CNN this morning but the (cc) is telling me the Dodgers and Phillies have no love lost between each other in the NLCS. Can someone speed this scrolling version of INFORMATION KARAOKE up to at least a 4th grade reading level?

I can ignore the misspellings of hard to pronounce proper nouns. It is a machine, not an interpreter. Gee, I thought it was Sen. Joe Bitemen for a little while too until I saw his name in print. Yes, Lithuania does sound like Robin Meade has a lisp, but when she is talking about a fuzzy fruit and I'm reading about last night's talk show banter on George Bush, I get a little confused. CC is supposed to assist the comprehension of the story, not cause apprehension.

Let's settle for the opposite, shall we? Have the words scroll one news story in advance so we can decide if we want to stay and watch about a father and son in West Virgina rescued from a river or ignore it all together knowing in advance from the CC they were trying to see if a toilet seat would work as a rescue ring.

It's all about choice, options and decisions on TV and I don't want to see a headline that says, "The world to end at 7:30 today" to only see a Dancing with Stars Promo for 8:00 on my screen. I deserve a better way to die. Don't you?

I...WANT..MY...OLD...TV

Years ago it started with a small peacock and three letters in the lower right corner. An almost nonchalantly array of hiding nothing of importance.

But each year the TV networks get bolder and more intrusive adding to their graphics and stats while the actual show becomes only a thumbnail of existence.

When I'm watching a football game, I do want to see the score and the down/yds to go. But you don't have to use up a Manhattan billboard of the actual screen to prove your point.

When I'm catching the Headline News, I don't need to see stocks, weather, the time in Paraguay, a Paris Hilton sightings recap and product placement ads all framing the postage stamp image of the story I'm trying to watch. One graphic at a time would be sufficient.

When I'm watching a suspenseful or drama movie on cable, I don't want to see a person poke their head in superimposed from another show on the same network acting like they are part of the plot line. (Note to network honchos: Seeing Holly Hunter wearing a sundress to promote her show as I am waiting to see if Detective Sipowitz is going to go off the wagon or smack his partner doesn't make me add to my Tivo schedule anytime soon.)

I might as well listen to the radio, for as little as I actually SEE on my big screen TV anymore. I blame MTV (do I sound like anyone's father yet?). I knew when they started that irritating technique of the shaking camera, adding a short micro second bursts of an image, can't see a face for more than a speed of light moment, we were going down a slippery slope of digressing the initial technology of creating TV in the first place.

(NOTE for educational purposes: If you divide a still image into a collection of small colored dots (pixels), your brain will reassemble the dots into a meaningful image-the definition of how a TV works)

My brain has enough issues trying to see if Lauren from the Hills and Kim Kardashian are ever going to combine forces and defeat the Style Villains of LA than to decipher a half dozen additional graphics, stats and scrolling messages that have invaded my own grey matter.

Instead of adding to our brain freeze, let's create a channel of only long visual camera takes, conversations that last more than a text message and plot lines that have a beginning, middle and climax. The only graphic I want to see is the title of the show flash in front of me and a quick "THE END" so I know I can flip to SportsCenter.

If I need more information, I'll just click the Google function on my cell phone screen. My only issue is my phone is too small and I wish they would remove the images and show all the cool graphics and stats available scrolling by my phone network. Wink

Can I Sell a Vowell

After the Evening News and Jeopardy happens to land one of the most challenging shows on TV. Forget knowing (in question format of course) which century did the aggressors challenge the economic development of the Spanish Inquisition by the accused heretics who brought general population before the tribunal and given no chance to confess their heresy against the Church before they were publicly killed or sentenced to a life in prison.

(um. Alec, what is the 5th Century?)

The Wheel Of Fortune provides the utmost skill and knowledge I have ever witnessed last night in between Vanna and Pat sharing a pair of wax lips with each other to add humor fill for the 30 minute show of intellectual brain fodder. With a majority of the following puzzle (AN INVENTOR) on the board solved

T H M A S
E D I S N

and only vowels left, a contestant actually bought a vowel to bring her colossal winnings from $200 down to $100. But the bigger issue was, YOU GUESSED IT, she bought a "R".

I truly love this country and its diversity, its entertaining value of game shows that turn into the car wrecks where we just can't drive by and ignore the victims.

Perhaps as "Jeopardy" and "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire" have written entry tests for their contestants, I think Wheel of Fortune and Deal or No Deal should as well.

Sample 1st question: "Do you know Pat and Vanna's last name? (100% accuracy will be recorded). "Can you name Britney and her Jamie Lynn Spears' children and their age? (98% accuracy). "Can you name at least two states and one country not including Arkansas and America?" "OK. you are right, that is a trick question" One more, "If you spin a wheel clockwise will it tell time?"

I would laugh along with this show more often if I didn't recognize these are the same people who think the moon actually gets closer and bigger as it nears the horizon and that the sun revolves around the earth (OK OK..you know some you had to think about if you knew that or not as well. Just making sure you are paying attention (go to Google if you doubt me).

This fall's new game show should play with audience's mind. How's this for a idea:

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Um, Pat. I'd like to buy a biran, a herat and some corague becusae three is no plcae lkie hmoe