Attention Deficit In Order

Attention Deficit In Order

http://www.cynicalbuzz.com

I see you. YES, I see you again. There you are waving emphatically. There is a handmade sign you have flashing in and out of my peripheral vision to where I can't ignore you. You HAVE to have something better to do with your morning than to pop up and down begging for attention as you stand behind the glass studio wall for NBC's TODAY SHOW while I try to finish my breakfast.

I'm so glad you are proud of your Alma Mater and feel a loyalty to make a homemade sign for attention. I'm thrilled that you are celebrating your 50th birthday with your friends on a trip to NYC and happen to stroll by 30 Rock at 7:00 in the morning. But no one else cares other than the four other ladies with you who EVEN Al Roker is trying to avoid.

We truly just want you to move to the next tourist stop on your day trip so we can watch the news, weather, sports and how many more times the police were called into Charlie Sheen's house last week. (THE important, critical news of the day only please)

Standing on someone's shoulders at a rock concert is annoying itself, but DOING it just to be situated above Matt Lauer as he talks about airline security is tacky at best, aggravating at its worse.

Seriously, even if I did KNOW you and you came from my hometown, I would never admit I did. I truly would have even disowned you if you were my Mom holding a sign that said, "Hi Erik, look at me and Aunty Em". When they talk about the 15 minutes of fame for each of us, I truly hope those 15 seconds I'll never get back count towards YOUR ENTIRE TIMELINE of fame for at least MY lifetime.

Perhaps I am envious. Yes, maybe I would love to have Kathy Lee Gifford turn and wink at me. (is that a wink or a astigmatism?) But I would never, ever, clap like a seal in front of 40 million people so I can see myself clap on the TV monitor facing me and OH wait! HEY..wait, that is my college friend standing right there next to Meredith Viera. HI ..HI can you see me?....WOW. How cool is that.. He is so lucky. Wink

DOING TIME WITHOUT THE CRIME

DOING TIME WITHOUT THE CRIME

http://www.cynicalbuzz.com

Yes, my perception is tainted. My travels for work spoil me with lovely hotels in great cities. However, some hotels should not be occupied, but donated to prisons for overcrowding. It's supposed to be a home away from home, not the equivalent of doing 10-15 hours in a state penitentiary.

I should have known better as even my GPS couldn't find this "Four Seasons" of solitary confinement in rural New York state. My loyal gadget of the directionally disabled not only couldn't locate it, it never even heard of the road or worse yet, the crime district it was in.

My GPS only kept telling me, "RECALCULATING...RECALCULATING...GO BACK NOW BEFORE YOU END UP IN HOSTEL IV or SCREAM 6".

Too late. When you walk into a BATES HOTEL room and there are SIGNS all over to help you with the obvious, you know it's going to be a night to remember..or one you try to forget.

There is a direct correlation to the number of "DON'T" signs and the stars in hotel rating system. A four star hotel will have only one sign, "THANK YOU". However, a Minus four-star hotel with security cameras will have 20 signs within a 20 square foot space.

-Don't hang anything here (it's a freakin' sprinkler on the ceiling..what am I going to hang? a Piñata?

-Don't use blow dryer near water (Thanks, but I like saving time to wash and dry hair at same time)

-Don't turn lights on after midnight (Does this mean the toilet is non-working after midnight too?)

-Don't touch A/C. (Why would I? I'm going to be perfectly comfortable all night in "lock down", one small window, with no lights after midnight to read more "Don't do anything" signs.

Alcatraz had more amenities, but it at least had a view of the San Francisco Bay. I'm just staring at a flashing hotel street sign that says. WE HAVE CABLE. ...Cable?..wow...Now all is good in Whoville.

After hours driving, I just want to sleep at night and shower in the morning. No need for breakfast in bed or strawberries at night. I'm easy like that.

But what I can't cope with is only ONE pillow and a quilted sheet/blanket/bed spread combo to sleep with. What is that?...A QUILTANKET? I didn't know if I was suppose to lay under it, in it, over it or put helium in it and escape from this prison yard of discomfort.

If the next morning, the shower would be my saving grace, All would be forgotten. Too bad I would have been cleaner if a prison guard hosed me down in CELL BLOCK TWO before this luxury bathroom suite of cleanliness got the job done.

I'm over 6'3" and the shower head was 3'6" off the floor. It took me over an hour to wash with a soap wafer the size of a CHEEZ-IT. It is sad when you have to negotiate which parts of my body needed the soap more and the rest can wait for tomorrow. Worse yet, it took me 90 minutes to dry off as I reached to grab a towel . No, let me rephrase that. NO towel, just a SHAMWOW to squeegee myself off. YES, I felt like an Olympic diver as I used this 6-inch yellow faux chamois to rid my body of moisture.

I finally checked out, (or depending on how you look at it-released) and the front desk/security asked me how was my stay. I just took a deep breath now that I've been broken and said. "THANK YOU SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?"

I did tell him I truly only wanted to see ONE more sign before I left this hotel/prison combo. He said, "What would that be?" I responded, "You've been Punk'd".

Sadly, it was real and I only felt slighted the lights went out last night right before I finished giving myself a tattoo. Yes, I got to get Inked or I would have no proof of doing my time. Peace out.

Sleepless For All the Wrong Reasons

You've been there. Unless you are 9 months old and your only concern in life is NOT if you will be changed in the morning, but how often-Then you have been THERE.

Where? In that world where you are WIDE AWAKE and no place to go.


Are you concerned you haven't watched enough Reality TV and your favorite Idol just didn't get enough text messages from your cheap 30 messages max-a-month plan to make to next week or the late night talk circuit didn't give you enough stupid people tricks with people who think they actually have a talent (sorry, but I can make disturbing noises with my body too, but I don't go on Letterman to prove it to my pals back at Costco.)

Or were you stuck flipping channels and couldn't turn off one of the 50 Meg Ryan movies playing after midnight where she..um..yes...CRIES. (I guarantee she get paid by the teardrop)

What keeps us up? Truly, we have to understand that nothing can or will be done until the morning, where that alarm you set clearly to music the night before goes off playing static white noise which is not what you perceived it would sound like 8 hours before.

It must be that you are trying to even out the duration of how long you slept on the left side versus the right versus the lying flat on the back position.

Did you spend enough time on your stomach with a tempur-pedic pillow perpetually punched or did you exercise your right to submit to the fetal-tucked position with all the blankets wrapped around you?

Perhaps what is keeping you awake is your good heart where you ponder your existence with in regards to the devastation of global warming, the pummeling economy or worse yet, if A-ROD really, truly chose VOGUE as his favorite Madonna song.

How silly of me. It's probably every ache and pain that never existed in your body 10 years ago that exists today just for the sole reason to prove you are aging.

It could be the anxiety of retiring before you hit 100. But then again, if you sleep walk until then, you will just have more time to lay awake wondering did I just waste one of my last nights on Earth ..SLEEPING?

Some of us may even dream of the next time they visit a mattress store and no one will be in there to help them to pick out the SERTA PERFECT SLEEPER?

I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt and think you may be completely unselfish and are just worrying for others.

Yes, you could be concerned about your children, parents, friends, co-workers or just that damn neighbor next door who plays the 80's music NO one admits playing. (Who on this earth remembers Marillion and Sly Fox?)

Are you just methodically going through your todo list for tomorrow?Are you thinking, "I didn't call you, write him, remind her, drop off this one, pick up that one, schedule, meet, eat or finish the list from yesterday. Honestly, I haven't even touched the list from the last millennium, let alone yesterday and I wasn't sleeping much then either but I had a legitimate cold so the extra dose of Sudafed helped."

I would hate to think its an over stimulus as my mind still hauntingly echos T.I and Justin Timberlake's song DEAD AND GONE.

...I"m DRIVING ON THIS ROAD SOO LONG.TOO LONG...TRYING TO FIND MY WAY BACK HOME.....OOOHHHHoooohhh.. I turn my body to the north.....I turn my body to the east .....

Now it can't be MY reason..Perhaps yours? And if it was mine, Do you think I'd put it in writing?

I think most of us don't sleep because it just feels like deja vu all over again. But I would expect the number one reason we are having trouble sleeping is not for lack of effort, no warm milk, or temperature variances in our homes. I think it has to do more with the fact I need to ..um...let's see...where was i? zzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzz.

I'm resolved to a new resolution

Why do we use the end of one year or the beginning of another to make changes in our lives?

Do we need an event to make promises? Do we need to drink champagne and stuff our face before we decide to eat and drink responsibly? Everyday should be a resolution for the day’s past. You shouldn't need to plan a date to start your procrastination. It should be as natural as waking up…..tomorrow for today’s appointment.

Here are the top ten resolutions listed each year since Adam said he was cutting back on apples. Maybe that should be a resolution in itself.


THE LIST CYNICALBUZZ LIST
1. Spend More Time with Family. Depending on your family, this could be more of a punishment than a resolution. It isn't a resolution. It is something we wish for daily and hope for the best.

CynicalBuzz suggests:

1. Spend more Time with the family you want and hope the rest spend more time with THEIRS while you are having quality time.

2. Get Fit. Doncha love the record number of the world that get in line for a treadmill on January 2nd, buy a treadmill on January 3rd and use it as a clothing rack on January 4th.

2. How about Get less Fat. Let's be honest, it’s the little things in life we hope for, not miracles from Tony Little.

3. Tame the Bulge: If they just combined this with number 2, they could add a resolution that might actually be worth waiting for when the big ball drops and Dick Clark recites his name clearly. (sorry..that was a little over the top. I'll make a resolution to be less cynical)

3. Instead, let's Tame number of Oreos that go from packaging into your mouth. I heard they now have a new 100 calorie Oreo package. It’s called a Crumb.

4. Quit Smoking. I don’t smoke but if you didn’t quit on March 3rd, July 10th or December 11th, What does January 1st got to offer.

4. You could try to Quit Smoking the next time the Tobacco Tax goes up and you can’t afford a 7/11 Big Gulp at the same time.

5. Try to Enjoy Life More. Perhaps if you stopped trying to make impossible resolutions you would enjoy the life you are in.

5. Enjoy Life always. More, less, it is about enjoying, not TRYING to enjoy

6. Quit Drinking. HELLOOO!! I thought you just said you wanted to "enjoy life more?"

6. Instead, try to Quit wondering where you were and why you drank lime vodka and did shots without the family you wanted to spend time with in the first place.

7. Get Out of Debt. I'm sorry, but have you seen how much it costs to resolve the list 1-6? Not going to happen in this year without a personal bailout.

7. Lets work towards getting out of lending money to family you want to spend more time with and borrow money from the family you are going to spend less time with and its a win-win situation.

8. Learn Something New. I learned that learning something new costs money and doesn't help me with the GETTING OUT OF DEBT.

8. Learn something Old that feels new this year like using a treadmill as a non-dry cleaning apparatus.

9. Get Organized. It's the clutter that keeps us alive. If my life was an IKEA showroom, I couldn't find all the interesting things I've been missing all these years.

9. The more realistic solution is to Get the clutter from the basement to the garage. The garage to the storage shed. The storage shed to the basement. ..and anything that seems out of place at that moment goes in that one closet where all the hat and gloves disappear.

10. Help Others. I need help keeping my own resolutions, but now you want me to decide to help others.

10. I’d rather Help others understand that if they want to be helped to make sure they got resolutions 1-8 down pat so I can help them with this one while drinking, smoking and eating oreos on my treadmill.

Life Rules by Hollywood's Finest

Saw a clip from Brad Pitt and Kate Blanchett about their parenting experiences from a recent interview on Oprah.

Can someone explain to celebrities they are not the first people in the Earth's history to ever have a child? Last time I checked, the number is closer to 1 gazillion just in the past few centuries. I mean even children in West Virgina have had children in the past few hundred years and they aren't sharing the fact that it was the best thing since they TRIED having a baby.

Brad, "You wouldn't believe it. My kids are soo funny and very smart. I'm also impervious to poo, snot, vomit etc..If you ever get a chance to have one, please do."

REALLY? You mean the rest of the universe has never met a child under the age of 10? No one, whether you are a parent or not, has any clue having a child will CHANGE your life and give you a new purpose in life.

I need Tristan/Achilles the non-committal explorer/warrior telling me that children take up time, are an amazing part of life and can create noises that are hard to define.

Hey, Mr. Jolie, can you also explain to us what it feels like to win anything in life or receive a present from a stranger.

How am I suppose to know if I awake in the morning when an alarm goes off unless Brad tells me it works that way.

Oh pray tell Mr. Tyler Durden. Please, please share with me what I should look forward to when I actually ever go to a birthday party for a child. Do they truly get a year older. I mean...you are an amazing human being sharing the fact that having a child is the best thing to ever happen to you. I was going to guess agreeing to do Ocean's 45 would be your choice, but that would just be too obvious.

Kate, "We all get old with each second, we need to appreciate our lives with them each moment." Kate, Kate, Kate, You have played a Queen in movies so often you think that we are all your loyal subjects. You are cute, but I don't need anyone telling me that each second the world goes by we get older.

I now know where to go to figure out life before I experience it. We dont need to read, listen or view life ourselves. Who needs parents when you have Hollywood's finest provide us with the rules of the world.

I wasn't going to write this post, but Brad and Kate have shared with me that sharing your thoughts with your friends, makes you a better communicator.

Kate you are soo right. I feel years older just watching that video clip of you and Brad that has now taken 10 minutes of my life I will never get back. Make that 11, I just wrote about it.

Procrastinating the Inevitable

I truly was going to write this blog months ago. I was. I had it in my head. I had it outlined in thoughts and clear in scope. But I just had something more important to write about. I think it was how there should be etiquette in elevators. Or perhaps it was the blog about pretending not to see me so you didn't have to wait and hold the door. I'll get it out. I just truly wanted to write about the art of procrastinating..and I will get to it as soon as I finish my train of thought about my miserable experience at the doctor's office yesterday. I digress.

Let's just get it out of the way..NO more waiting, excuses or filler blog posts. I mean if procrastination was so bad, why do we wait four years for the Olympics? Sleep is the aphrodisiac of procrastination. Eating only prolongs the task of completing something on your ToDo list and working is the ultimate procrastination before retiring.

I know you are expecting me to finish by saying life is only a procrastination of death, but even the most cynical of people know life is really a procrastination of events until the new fall season of TV starts.

I'm just venting that delaying your tasks might have an advantage. The garage, basement and yard would never get clean in March if you didn't have taxes due in April. You wouldn't even have a credit rating if you paid everything on-time, every time in cash without getting five letters from a bill collector. What value is that unless you live in Intercourse, PA. (Amish joke...for you civilized folks)

They say never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. Who said this? George Custer? He would have had 1500 soldiers support him if he procrastinated JUST one more day.

Napoleon? If he held off trying to invade the right side of Europe until he conquered the left side of the world, he might have been named for a Continent instead of just a air filled puff pastry.

Michelangelo? If he would have finished the Sistine Chapel without procrastinating, He would have completed one wall in a month and said, "Hey Pope! Call RENT-A-HUSBAND, If you want three years of my life on a scaffold, go talk to my union rep."

I say, never finish today what you can delay to hope someone else tries to complete for you tomorrow.

It's all about pacing yourself and procrastinating this morning just prevented me from ........... .......... ..........



Go ahead, finish my blog for me. I need to do my taxes, complete my holiday shopping and save for retiring before breakfast.

A little Ink on getting Inked

Sorry. I don't get it.

Personally, I like tattoos. I think anyone who chooses artistic expression has the right to do it any way they see fit. They can be meaningful, charming and stylish.

However, I'm not into permanent marks on my body but that is because I change my mind too often to make that type of commitment.

But....If you are a blond hair, blue eyed suburban teenager, why have you chose "Asian Calligraphy" as your expression instead of something that reflects you for who you are, ..Like pertinent shopping terms. (BOGO, I'm a one-day SALE pro or I love coupons)

What is it? The year of the Clueless?

I know for a fact if I asked you to emulate your tattoo on a piece of paper you couldn't replicate, let alone recognize it.

Let's visualize together for a moment. You are sitting at the Ink shop with thousands of choices from everything from the name of your prom date who won't call you back to a dainty butterfly that you could subtly locate on your lower ankle and instead you accidentally choose the Chinese symbol for Coca Cola thinking it gives you a purpose.

You think you have the symbol for "prosperity" written on your back. But little do you know it says, "prostitution" when you raise your hand too high.

You think you are showing originality and conveying a non-conformist attitude, yet the symbol has been copied so much that FEDEXKinkos has a template in the self serve area.

You think by adding three Chinese symbols, you have added creative beauty to your pale, milky skin, yet after 20 years of aging and sunbathing, those characters, which are a precise art, will have a complete Kangxi Dictionary compiling the 47,035 symbols spread across your back.

The funny part is the average Chinese person only needs to know 5,000 symbols to read most of the language...I guarantee you can't repeat five.

When and where in your Midwestern upbringing watching Law and Order SUV were you influenced by Far Eastern cultures?

The next time you decide to add culture to your self, try reading or learning a foreign language first. Because if you did, you would realize your tattoo you thought said, "wonderful goddess" mistakenly reads, "thoughtless wonder".

But as long as you can show it off to your friends and really...you are just waiting for a text message from your prom date anyway.

Negapository

A new word from the Cynical Buzz dictionary.
(Neg-a-po-sit-ory noun, singular.
1. a holding cell to store all negative, cynical and annoying pet peeves in one area with the purpose of dispelling them into positive thoughts for the day.

Stoic Morning Greeting

What is that? You can’t say “hi” or “good morning” when you see someone for the first time each day? Is that too much energy to waste? Is it too much of a burden? Is it a slippery slope, where you fear that they might stop you and ask you “how you are doing?” and you would actually might, possibly have to answer.

Remember George Carlin used to hate when someone told him to have a good day as it put all the pressure on him.

Acknowledge, smile, raise an eyebrow or head nod….but let others know you don’t truly have something protruding UP YOUR Attitude by ignoring someone you can actually influence down the road.

If A is B, then C is D;But C is not D;Therefore, A is not B