Thursday, November 27, 2008

Park for your Car, not your Ego

No. You didn't just do what I think you did. What possessed you to think that your car is "all that". I'm watching you. I shaking my head hoping you just started driving yesterday. Better yet, tell me that a bug crawled up your leg and you avoided crashing by parking and swatting insects simultaneously.

OH, I recognized you now, you are the same guy who takes up a seat and a half on a plane while never removing his elbow from the middle armrest for 4 straight hours.

Yes YOU. I don't ever forget an act of selflessness. It is hard to forget someone when their whole life they have been the ones cutting in front of us in lunch lines at school, in concert lines and I know later in life you will be cutting in front of us for social security checks because the Ultimate Fighting Championship is on Pay Per View in an hour.

But this parking scheme episode where no one will be able to park within 100 ft of you is beyond an acceptable act of etiquette. Please tell me again why you have one suction cup on your windshield for your EACH of your satellite radio, GPS, radar detector, hands-free speaker, and one for your 2003 version of a Palm Pilot.

It epitomizes your life. From now on, the rest of us in your world will try to make your life comfortable in your own pathetic way.

When you sit at a restaurant, we'll give you an extra table for your ego so we don't scratch our lives with yours while we laugh at your V-neck sweater vest that was last worn during a Star Trek Convention.

When you walk in our offices, we'll give you an extra chair just for your stupidity to have a solid base not to overtake its counter of your ignorance and bad taste in cologne. What is the scent you are wearing.... "NIGHT PASTURE"?

When you drive on your road, we'll give you one extra lane to ensure your bad taste in vehicles don't stink up the interstate and our choice of transportation as we check off your air freshener as road kill afterthought.

When you stand in line for the bathroom, we'll give you an extra stall so you can have room to grow....and hope you understand concepts of overcompensating for your shortcomings.

But in the end it will all work out. As when you pass away from your diluted, customized, sugar coated world, we will also provide you an pimped out coffin with an armrest and two burial plots parked diagonal for your eternity filled abyss world of emptiness. Oh wait, that is just your car that was converted instead of recycled into next year landfill.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Life Rules by Hollywood's Finest

Saw a clip from Brad Pitt and Kate Blanchett about their parenting experiences from a recent interview on Oprah.

Can someone explain to celebrities they are not the first people in the Earth's history to ever have a child? Last time I checked, the number is closer to 1 gazillion just in the past few centuries. I mean even children in West Virgina have had children in the past few hundred years and they aren't sharing the fact that it was the best thing since they TRIED having a baby.

Brad, "You wouldn't believe it. My kids are soo funny and very smart. I'm also impervious to poo, snot, vomit etc..If you ever get a chance to have one, please do."

REALLY? You mean the rest of the universe has never met a child under the age of 10? No one, whether you are a parent or not, has any clue having a child will CHANGE your life and give you a new purpose in life.

I need Tristan/Achilles the non-committal explorer/warrior telling me that children take up time, are an amazing part of life and can create noises that are hard to define.

Hey, Mr. Jolie, can you also explain to us what it feels like to win anything in life or receive a present from a stranger.

How am I suppose to know if I awake in the morning when an alarm goes off unless Brad tells me it works that way.

Oh pray tell Mr. Tyler Durden. Please, please share with me what I should look forward to when I actually ever go to a birthday party for a child. Do they truly get a year older. I are an amazing human being sharing the fact that having a child is the best thing to ever happen to you. I was going to guess agreeing to do Ocean's 45 would be your choice, but that would just be too obvious.

Kate, "We all get old with each second, we need to appreciate our lives with them each moment." Kate, Kate, Kate, You have played a Queen in movies so often you think that we are all your loyal subjects. You are cute, but I don't need anyone telling me that each second the world goes by we get older.

I now know where to go to figure out life before I experience it. We dont need to read, listen or view life ourselves. Who needs parents when you have Hollywood's finest provide us with the rules of the world.

I wasn't going to write this post, but Brad and Kate have shared with me that sharing your thoughts with your friends, makes you a better communicator.

Kate you are soo right. I feel years older just watching that video clip of you and Brad that has now taken 10 minutes of my life I will never get back. Make that 11, I just wrote about it.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Can you STOP hearing me now?

Enough. Turn it off. Right now young lady. Yes you who has pimped out her black phone with a pink case and sparkles...Yes you too, dude with the 'tude. You are all sitting together quietly, socializing and I'm assuming that means you know each other.

So turn off the cell and the text messaging at least for the small moments you are here and pretend your mouths actually work without a silicone and aluminum candy bar up against your cheek.

One hour. Try it...Last one who gives in and touches their phone, I'll give an iTunes gift card with Leona Lewis loaded on it while she sings up to 3 octaves of no words just for the sake of noise.

Two seconds later.

BZZZZ.. wow, that wasn't even close. You all lost and it wasn't even a text message or ring tone that wore you down. It was the oven's buzzer telling you that your ThreeForALL appetizers are ready.

Excuse me? Did you really just tell me to TEXT OFF?

Now that is a fine way to speak to your elders who actually appreciate that texting is valuable when you CAN'T speak directly to someone or when you know they will get the message later-Not when they are sitting inches across from you toasting the new episode of Gossip Girl.

Dr. Martin Cooper, inventor of the cellphone, wasn't dreaming he would create such a social abyss back in 1973. He just thought it was cool to order pizza from the road before he got home from work.

The first text message ever sent was "Merry Christmas" back in 1985...but of course J. Audestad who sent it used "xmas" to shorten his effort before his manager came in to catch him texting on the job.

I may not understand the value of texting to someone sitting right across from me. But understand this, I can blog, tweet, post, txt, play music, video, send & read emails like the Tasmanian Devil on Red Bull, but I also don't use it to overcompensate the fact I still like people. Maybe not YOU five kids sitting there dissing your parents. But to the most part, I still want to have a conversation with humans that doesn't include:

"wot up?" Translation: "Good evening, how was your day? Anything interesting you wish to share?"

"nada WRUUT" Translation: "thank you for asking. My day was absent of any particular details worth sharing but what are you considering for an evening of activities tonight?"

I lv txtng, but i so mis wrds n thghts with eyes and voices tht flow wit it. GTG.. My apitzr z getn cld

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Elevator Etiquette Redux

Elevator Protocol. Someone needs to stand up for it. It might as well be you and I as you are right there in front of me ignoring me.

Gahead, pretend I’m not here. That’s right. look away, look at your feet and your hands that you have known since birth.

Don’t even ask me to push your floor's button just because I’m already pushing mine, that would be interacting with a human being without invitation. Spend that effort to push it yourself. You know your body's limitations more than anyone.

Honestly, it isn't going to add to my Todo list by pressing TWO buttons instead of ONE. It is the least I can do. I get bored easily.

Maybe some constructive advice. If we share a short elevator trip, 2-3 floors, work up a "Have a nice day" and a smile to add a courteous touch to both of our lives.

Long trip, anything over five floors, "A quick hello, smile and a nice weather conversation ending with the proverbial 'have a nice day' would make me happy."

Now that you got me started, Why in the world are you taking the elevator up only ONE flight in the first place. No.. NO. I'm sorry but we need to talk. We have at least 15 more seconds before you make your escape to a floor you could have arrived at 5 minutes ago if you walked.

I'm sure you have your reason to extend your day by waiting for an elevator and stopping the rest of us from getting to the real destinations that are above and beyond the 40 extra steps it would take to get you to put one foot in front of the other.

Let's see, you have a bunion problem? No, have vertigo? No. um..OH I get just want to test out your claustrophobia resilience on the rest of us as we all have to back up to allow you and your Samsonite-sized, fake Prada bag to fit in this canister of altitude adjustment.

If I didn't have this big sandwich, chips and drink in my hand, I'd be taking the stairs well, maybe not but I'd wait for the next elevator and share my lunch with them.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Let's go to the video tape

Tell me again why you are protecting your store's most valuable assets with a security camera/image that can't determine if the suspect is actually a person or a goat. Last time I checked, even my cell phone's video capabilities can identify and clarify a person from 100 ft. to convict them of shoplifting.

Today, there are cameras that can be either a stand alone device or connected to basic computers that are visually comparable to HDTV for under a few hundred dollars.
Why do I turn on the news and see less than a shadow of a person hit an elderly person, rob a 7/11 or steal election signs from yards from an image that has more distortion than a Zapruder film clip of a Paris Hilton night out.

What are the authorities suppose to do with this pin-hole camera view of the crime scene?

OFFICER, "What did your security system capture on the suspect?"

STORE MANAGER, "uh...he is a person....and he I mean she..I mean he is wearing clothes..and he walks with two legs...and....they left with um..stuff. lots of stuff."

OFFICER, "Any distinctive marks that we can gather from the video?"

STORE MANAGER, "Yes..definitely, He was wearing a dark sweatshirt and some other clothes. OH OH..wait..I can also see that he likes to wear hoods...DOES that help officer?"

I have some great advice for anyone who has one of these security cameras propped up in the top corner of their store, lobby or warehouse. Don't even turn it on. Save a few bucks on electricity and buy a sign instead that says (We have attack dogs on site)

You have a better chance identifying the elusive Jack the Ripper from over a century ago than you do using this grainy, .0456 megapixel camera to help keep someone from stealing your Swedish Fish from the candy aisle.
"Quick, look, the suspect smiled. Oh wait, nevermind....that was just the low bat warning light."

Monday, November 3, 2008

Just Review this blog on the days you don't Read

You HAVE to be kidding me! Driving out of the Lincoln Tunnel into the city and to see a Verizon billboard that has as much logic as building a tunnel under 4 billion gallons of water to get to an island.

A PAY-AS-YOU-GO plan is great for the 8 people on the planet who only use their cell phone in emergencies. But seeing in all its magnificent glory in a slogan that says, "JUST PAY ON THE DAYS YOU USE IT" high above my metropolis mix of 8,274,527 people who never, ever remove their cell phones from their ears just seems like a waste of billboard space.

When is the last time you ever DIDN'T use your cell phone? Maybe 2001 when you left it in the wash with your Starbucks gift card?

I'll save you time for the the next billboards in the area. Don't worry about compensating me for my ideas. I promise you its completely MY pleasure.

For Weight Watchers plan, "Only get fat on the days you eat".

For Health Insurance, "Just pay on the days you aren't feeling well".

For a college fund, "Only pay for the tuition if you kid gets a job after that doesn't include asking if they want fries with the order".

For iTunes, "Only pay for the song if it wasn't sampled, copied, repetitive, sung by John Mayer or has la la la in it".

For Poland Spring, "Pay only for the water if you can't get the same wet liquid out of your tap at home"

For the airline industry, "Pay for only the flights you actually reach your destination."

For Verizon's next million dollar idea, "How about I pay triple for the days I don't use my phone?"