To be a Fly on the Wall

To be a Fly on the Wall

http://www.cynicalbuzz.com

How can it be ONLY loud obnoxious flies get in the house the one time you actually open the door.

No other creature, animal or insect in the world spends their entire existence waiting for this opportunity to rush in at the most opportune moment to disrupt my sleep during the night.

Seriously, not water buffalos, not GEICO geckos, not even Aflac ducks ever get in my house.--JUST a fly. I need to know. Do they hang out on the outer edge of a door and pray for a knock on the door from the UPS driver awaiting a signature?

I will not surrender. I will not let this minuscule creature of other people's demise win. Because for only $1000 I have found a solution. I combine my Dyson Air Multiplier in front of my face (um.. just a quiet cool fan) and Bose noise cancellation headphones (um..a device which fits around your ears that makes you look "SPECIAL" to drown out any sound including a atom bomb.

Hours later, I wake up peacefully with an ear ache, wind blown hair and red, dried eyes...BUT, all with a victorious grin knowing this one fly buzzed all night long without affecting my sleep. aw, the sweet taste of victory, "COUGH, COUGH". oops, found the bugger. FML

Predictive Analytics of the Day

Predictive Analytics of the Day

http://www.cynicalbuzz.com

"promising 3 inches...guaranteeing 6 inches....predicting 12 inches" In my conservative opinion, I think it's time we regulate the meteorologist industry to rethink their vernacular before they go on TV and forecast a big blizzard or better yet, they should keep their excited opinions about their personal depth perception to themselves.

Is there any other career where you can miss 7 out of 10 times at your craft and still excel at your job (not including baseball)? Please, please!! In my next life, pay me to be a weatherman for Phoenix or San Diego or Bora Bora where I stand there for 10 minutes a day and go. "It's going to be a pretty nice day. There were worries about seeing a cloud or two, but that was only a heat spot on the Doppler radar. Tomorrow should be more of the same and the weekend looks ...well...um...pretty darn good too."

I TOO, want to stand in front of you and point to a digital map which only, I, interpret as good, bad or indifferent based on some "neat charts". I want to wear bad blazers, flashy ties and bonded teeth to tell you what you already know, "It is COLD, WARM, HOT" or the all time favorite as they point, "if you are HERE...you should be feeling some rain in your area about now."

Yes, sign me up to have 'some good ole banter' with the sports guy next to me who is reading the old news and scores off the internet with a clip-on tie and my co-anchors who are excellent ..I MEAN..excellent at reading scrolling copy at 45 wpm. But please correct yourself when read, "Afghanistan Militia" when hyphenated. It's sounds so wrong when you say, "Afgan and Stan licious".

My next life, I promise to pay more attention to air pressure, barometer readings and jet streams as I will ask my future parents to name me Storm, Chilly, or Rain to ensure my career as a futurist of precipitation does not go unnoticed, unrewarded and to guarantee I get a cool red jacket with blow dry hair to wear on the air to tell you to "HAVE A ____ DAY", depending on the inches of course.

Lesson in Time

http://www.cynicalbuzz.com/

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Early one morning, I thought I was the only one in the office. I witnessed three noisy maintenance men with their hands full carrying big analog clocks to exchange and hang throughout my building. Because just changing the batteries would be too much for just ONE person.

These diligent walkers of the hallways, (Think Flavor Flav with work boots & tool belts) stomped down past my work area not quite respecting my personal work space or need to concentrate.

With my focus gone and my Adult ADD kicking in..Did I mention I just saw a birdie?

I couldn’t resist being the smart a-- and ask, “Hey, any of you have the time?” All three of them in complete synchronization, switched their armful of Big Bens to their other hand to check their generic wrist watches. As the realization of my remark set in their heads, the skinniest one of the three turned and said with both his big and small hands not moving, "Yes, I'ts SUNDAY, next time look at the calendar and maybe you won't worry about the time."

Doesn’t matter now, but I'm sure it is too late for church.

Sounding Off on Taking Off

The white noise of the engine, air and oxygen floating freely through the cabin. Nothing more relaxing on a small propeller plane headed back from the islands until one of your newly seated neighbors acts like he is in his family room with NO family around within 1000 miles.

What is he thinking? I'll tell you exactly what is going through his head. "Ahh, hours of nobody around who loves me or cares what I touch while I sit here and act like my name is Donald Rump. Yes, after I remove my workboots, my dark socks that are older than the pilot and undo my belt one notch in case I have two of those yummy steamed burgers they serve, I'll be able to recline back faster than a flight attendant can say Buh-Bye".

Any male over the age of 3, shouldn't be allowed to remove any stitch of clothing or shoe in public unless he is on his way to a quadruple bypass and has to be carted into O.R. on his back.
There is a reason sardines STINK, They are stuck in a miniature plane without wings with strangers who are all just going to the same destination.

We truly don't want to know you are on the same flight as us. This is why we all pretend to look out the window while we listened to you on the runway scream into your 1st generation cell phone telling your wife and/or girlfriend to kiss your ASPirations if they don't like how you fixed the back window with duct tape.

Please don't think you fooled us by bringing BOTH a duffle bag with STYX concert labels and a backpack of dirty laundry that you think counts as ONE Carry-On. We truly mind that you took up four of the above bins with your red leather jacket, giftshop bag with cheap airport chocolate and a mailing tube with a map of the Biggest Ball of Yarn museum.

I have a ticket for your next trip. Its called a laundry ticket, use it to get some new shirts as your current one is melting into the tweed finish of this prop plane to the septic pool of destinations

Sleepless For All the Wrong Reasons

You've been there. Unless you are 9 months old and your only concern in life is NOT if you will be changed in the morning, but how often-Then you have been THERE.

Where? In that world where you are WIDE AWAKE and no place to go.


Are you concerned you haven't watched enough Reality TV and your favorite Idol just didn't get enough text messages from your cheap 30 messages max-a-month plan to make to next week or the late night talk circuit didn't give you enough stupid people tricks with people who think they actually have a talent (sorry, but I can make disturbing noises with my body too, but I don't go on Letterman to prove it to my pals back at Costco.)

Or were you stuck flipping channels and couldn't turn off one of the 50 Meg Ryan movies playing after midnight where she..um..yes...CRIES. (I guarantee she get paid by the teardrop)

What keeps us up? Truly, we have to understand that nothing can or will be done until the morning, where that alarm you set clearly to music the night before goes off playing static white noise which is not what you perceived it would sound like 8 hours before.

It must be that you are trying to even out the duration of how long you slept on the left side versus the right versus the lying flat on the back position.

Did you spend enough time on your stomach with a tempur-pedic pillow perpetually punched or did you exercise your right to submit to the fetal-tucked position with all the blankets wrapped around you?

Perhaps what is keeping you awake is your good heart where you ponder your existence with in regards to the devastation of global warming, the pummeling economy or worse yet, if A-ROD really, truly chose VOGUE as his favorite Madonna song.

How silly of me. It's probably every ache and pain that never existed in your body 10 years ago that exists today just for the sole reason to prove you are aging.

It could be the anxiety of retiring before you hit 100. But then again, if you sleep walk until then, you will just have more time to lay awake wondering did I just waste one of my last nights on Earth ..SLEEPING?

Some of us may even dream of the next time they visit a mattress store and no one will be in there to help them to pick out the SERTA PERFECT SLEEPER?

I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt and think you may be completely unselfish and are just worrying for others.

Yes, you could be concerned about your children, parents, friends, co-workers or just that damn neighbor next door who plays the 80's music NO one admits playing. (Who on this earth remembers Marillion and Sly Fox?)

Are you just methodically going through your todo list for tomorrow?Are you thinking, "I didn't call you, write him, remind her, drop off this one, pick up that one, schedule, meet, eat or finish the list from yesterday. Honestly, I haven't even touched the list from the last millennium, let alone yesterday and I wasn't sleeping much then either but I had a legitimate cold so the extra dose of Sudafed helped."

I would hate to think its an over stimulus as my mind still hauntingly echos T.I and Justin Timberlake's song DEAD AND GONE.

...I"m DRIVING ON THIS ROAD SOO LONG.TOO LONG...TRYING TO FIND MY WAY BACK HOME.....OOOHHHHoooohhh.. I turn my body to the north.....I turn my body to the east .....

Now it can't be MY reason..Perhaps yours? And if it was mine, Do you think I'd put it in writing?

I think most of us don't sleep because it just feels like deja vu all over again. But I would expect the number one reason we are having trouble sleeping is not for lack of effort, no warm milk, or temperature variances in our homes. I think it has to do more with the fact I need to ..um...let's see...where was i? zzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzz.

Taking the wrong way on the right-a-way

Love my gadgets. If it's digital or has an LCD screen, I'm thrilled. If it can complicate my life with the promise of cleansing my frustrations, I buy it without remorse. Early adopter? HA. I buy the gadgets before they go on sale and pay 50% more than if I waited 24 hours.

The current GPS (Gentleman's Perception System) in my car has helped me many times navigate through the trials and tribulations of NYC and beyond. I've used it to find restaurants, gas stations and the nearest bookstore.

However, I recently used it to find a office address and ended up going down the wrong way on the one way street.

No, I'm not blind nor am I ambivalent to paying attention to HUGE SIGNS that say WRONG WAY, I just paid a hell of a lot of money for this thing and DARN IT, if it says to turn LEFT with a convincing voice, I'm going to do it without hesitation and get my money's worth.

Sadly, the sign was posted to ensure traffic in a SCHOOL ZONE would be flowing accordingly to the children crossing the busy road during that time of day.

As scores of middle school children watched in dismay that my vehicle was passing them in the opposite direction of the buses, A young adolescent screams out,

"HEY, IT'S A ONE WAY YOU %*$(#*@."

Aww, the intelligence of our youth so aptly expressed in such a succinct way. I continued to pass him (cause my GPS still told me I still have 400 ft to go before turning right on Elm Street) so I responded back in the only way a shameful, embarrassed mature man would respond.

"HEY SMART *$$, I'm only going ONE WAY."

Park for your Car, not your Ego

No. You didn't just do what I think you did. What possessed you to think that your car is "all that". I'm watching you. I shaking my head hoping you just started driving yesterday. Better yet, tell me that a bug crawled up your leg and you avoided crashing by parking and swatting insects simultaneously.

OH, I recognized you now, you are the same guy who takes up a seat and a half on a plane while never removing his elbow from the middle armrest for 4 straight hours.

Yes YOU. I don't ever forget an act of selflessness. It is hard to forget someone when their whole life they have been the ones cutting in front of us in lunch lines at school, in concert lines and I know later in life you will be cutting in front of us for social security checks because the Ultimate Fighting Championship is on Pay Per View in an hour.

But this parking scheme episode where no one will be able to park within 100 ft of you is beyond an acceptable act of etiquette. Please tell me again why you have one suction cup on your windshield for your EACH of your satellite radio, GPS, radar detector, hands-free speaker, and one for your 2003 version of a Palm Pilot.

It epitomizes your life. From now on, the rest of us in your world will try to make your life comfortable in your own pathetic way.

When you sit at a restaurant, we'll give you an extra table for your ego so we don't scratch our lives with yours while we laugh at your V-neck sweater vest that was last worn during a Star Trek Convention.

When you walk in our offices, we'll give you an extra chair just for your stupidity to have a solid base not to overtake its counter of your ignorance and bad taste in cologne. What is the scent you are wearing.... "NIGHT PASTURE"?

When you drive on your road, we'll give you one extra lane to ensure your bad taste in vehicles don't stink up the interstate and our choice of transportation as we check off your air freshener as road kill afterthought.

When you stand in line for the bathroom, we'll give you an extra stall so you can have room to grow....and hope you understand concepts of overcompensating for your shortcomings.

But in the end it will all work out. As when you pass away from your diluted, customized, sugar coated world, we will also provide you an pimped out coffin with an armrest and two burial plots parked diagonal for your eternity filled abyss world of emptiness. Oh wait, that is just your car that was converted instead of recycled into next year landfill.

Life Rules by Hollywood's Finest

Saw a clip from Brad Pitt and Kate Blanchett about their parenting experiences from a recent interview on Oprah.

Can someone explain to celebrities they are not the first people in the Earth's history to ever have a child? Last time I checked, the number is closer to 1 gazillion just in the past few centuries. I mean even children in West Virgina have had children in the past few hundred years and they aren't sharing the fact that it was the best thing since they TRIED having a baby.

Brad, "You wouldn't believe it. My kids are soo funny and very smart. I'm also impervious to poo, snot, vomit etc..If you ever get a chance to have one, please do."

REALLY? You mean the rest of the universe has never met a child under the age of 10? No one, whether you are a parent or not, has any clue having a child will CHANGE your life and give you a new purpose in life.

I need Tristan/Achilles the non-committal explorer/warrior telling me that children take up time, are an amazing part of life and can create noises that are hard to define.

Hey, Mr. Jolie, can you also explain to us what it feels like to win anything in life or receive a present from a stranger.

How am I suppose to know if I awake in the morning when an alarm goes off unless Brad tells me it works that way.

Oh pray tell Mr. Tyler Durden. Please, please share with me what I should look forward to when I actually ever go to a birthday party for a child. Do they truly get a year older. I mean...you are an amazing human being sharing the fact that having a child is the best thing to ever happen to you. I was going to guess agreeing to do Ocean's 45 would be your choice, but that would just be too obvious.

Kate, "We all get old with each second, we need to appreciate our lives with them each moment." Kate, Kate, Kate, You have played a Queen in movies so often you think that we are all your loyal subjects. You are cute, but I don't need anyone telling me that each second the world goes by we get older.

I now know where to go to figure out life before I experience it. We dont need to read, listen or view life ourselves. Who needs parents when you have Hollywood's finest provide us with the rules of the world.

I wasn't going to write this post, but Brad and Kate have shared with me that sharing your thoughts with your friends, makes you a better communicator.

Kate you are soo right. I feel years older just watching that video clip of you and Brad that has now taken 10 minutes of my life I will never get back. Make that 11, I just wrote about it.

Can you STOP hearing me now?

Enough. Turn it off. Right now young lady. Yes you who has pimped out her black phone with a pink case and sparkles...Yes you too, dude with the 'tude. You are all sitting together quietly, socializing and I'm assuming that means you know each other.

So turn off the cell and the text messaging at least for the small moments you are here and pretend your mouths actually work without a silicone and aluminum candy bar up against your cheek.

One hour. Try it...Last one who gives in and touches their phone, I'll give an iTunes gift card with Leona Lewis loaded on it while she sings up to 3 octaves of no words just for the sake of noise.

Two seconds later.

BZZZZ.. wow, that wasn't even close. You all lost and it wasn't even a text message or ring tone that wore you down. It was the oven's buzzer telling you that your ThreeForALL appetizers are ready.

Excuse me? Did you really just tell me to TEXT OFF?

Now that is a fine way to speak to your elders who actually appreciate that texting is valuable when you CAN'T speak directly to someone or when you know they will get the message later-Not when they are sitting inches across from you toasting the new episode of Gossip Girl.

Dr. Martin Cooper, inventor of the cellphone, wasn't dreaming he would create such a social abyss back in 1973. He just thought it was cool to order pizza from the road before he got home from work.

The first text message ever sent was "Merry Christmas" back in 1985...but of course J. Audestad who sent it used "xmas" to shorten his effort before his manager came in to catch him texting on the job.

I may not understand the value of texting to someone sitting right across from me. But understand this, I can blog, tweet, post, txt, play music, video, send & read emails like the Tasmanian Devil on Red Bull, but I also don't use it to overcompensate the fact I still like people. Maybe not YOU five kids sitting there dissing your parents. But to the most part, I still want to have a conversation with humans that doesn't include:

"wot up?" Translation: "Good evening, how was your day? Anything interesting you wish to share?"

"nada WRUUT" Translation: "thank you for asking. My day was absent of any particular details worth sharing but what are you considering for an evening of activities tonight?"

I lv txtng, but i so mis wrds n thghts with eyes and voices tht flow wit it. GTG.. My apitzr z getn cld

Open Sesame

I'm not a child (physically anyway). I just want to open a simple package. A package that has been around since before zip lock bags zipped, before tie wraps had ties and before Tupperware was ..well...tupper?

I need help. I need to call my grandma or someone who grew up with these simple treats of pleasure before electricity and ask them, "HOW DO YOU OPEN a graham cracker package without crushing the cracker?"

What happened in this century that banned the resealable or reusable packaging on this Graham Cracker product? Even today's cereal boxes have slowly, but methodically changed their RIP TIL IT BUSTS bags to more consumer friendly, peel, and fold back for freshness techniques.

I was desperate. I called CRIS ANGEL, the illusionist of the month from Mind Freak and he told me that he had a better chance to be invited to Houdini's return to earth than to open the cellophane packaging on this Nabisco staple without incident.

But I'm persistent and relentless. I can't sleep now until I solve this quandary so I wrote to NASA and requested two rocket scientists to prove that this separation of package to product could be accomplished without creating crumb cake crust.

Their response was disappointing. Other than asking me to NEVER contact them again or be prosecuted in federal court, they told me that if it WAS possible, they would have a budget from congress to work on this enigma of the food world.

So, I'm at a loss. I'm craving. I'm hungry and I don't want to brush the crumbs off my shirt ONE MORE SECOND. I just want to peel away the inner folds of Honey Graham harmony and snap a square to dip in my milk..

....and then.....surprisingly, I discovered a trick. It might not work for all of you....but my friends, it filled the void.


I reached down deep into my solution filled mind and decided to have an OREO.

Room without a View

What is YOUR self-storage rental unit telling you? We all need an additional, externally located deluxe closet for your high school mementos or an expensive option to finally be able to park your vehicle in that place called a two-car garage?

No. No silly wabbits, storage is for kids. This over sized drive thru coffin with air is telling you that if you haven't used or open a few cardboard boxes in this millennium then life is blatantly screaming you don't need to spend $99.99 a month to keep your child's first sippy cup in air conditioned, carpeted, temperature controlled filing cabinets next to your USED college textbooks that YOU STILL haven't opened. (Remember that one C- you got sophomore year in Women's Studies?)

The only thing overtaking the country's landscape in both urban and suburbia more than these shoe boxes with padlocks are Dunkin' Donuts and Starbucks. But at least they offer coffee that you never store more than 24 hours or until the next rest stop.

These (UStore it, StopnStore, Lackland, Pods, PackRat) self storage business cases were based on the fact that most Americans think of the number of possessions as their wealth, instead of the quality of their health.

I'm a sentimental, collectible, archivist as well. But I do try consolidating my memories into a 4 x 4 ft. area of my basement for photos, family heirlooms and ...um...magazines.

Yeah, laugh now, but you never know when that article from a 1989 woodworking magazine will come in handy as I finally build that amazing tree house that will use up all that lumber and rope sitting in my basement behind the furnace.

Solution of the day: Use your digital camera to photograph all the stuff you think you want to keep. After showing it to your family and friends and hearing them laugh at your 6th grade choir recital program photo or your collectible shot glasses from New Mexico...I think you will find it much easier to use that recycling bin now that you placed your poorly recorded VHS tapes of Luke and Laura's wedding on General Hospital for sale on eBay.

Time to Watch Curb Appeal

Whoa...Hold on just a moment. I have to stop and see that again. Just drove by your modest 1br home with a one car garage and was caught off guard by the fact your yard has enough objects and accessories to qualify for a Strip Mall.

If you aren't holding a garage sale, explain to me why you have enough junk (I mean personal items of interest) on your front lawn to qualify for two days on HSN (Home Shopping Network..Like I really had to spell that for you)

Let's be kind and say your small abode is worth $350,000. Now lets add up the 45 ft. boat, 35 ft. camper, the Belgian block driveway and retaining wall, the two ATVs, three motorcycles, a heated pool that IS your backyard (Serious, you can actually use the gas grill shelf next to the sliding door as a diving board), chain link FRONT fence, a dog house, cat house, bird house, outhouse, pool house (which is the old dog house) to come up with a conservative estimate of $900,000.

You must REALLY love that home to have more money invested in CostCo toys and yard ornaments than in the equity of your house itself.

I know, a 1/32th of an acre just doesn't hold as much junk as it did 20 years ago.

Do you come home and reflect on the fact that if you sold even 30% of your yard's value you could bail out the Mortgage Companies and leave the government out of it?

Do you ever think for a moment that Going Green doesn't count if your 150 solar outdoor yard lights took up the allotted space for grass, trees and flowers. Of course not, because you gotta love gravel landscaping next to faux bright red mulch as much as I do.

Now on the bright side, I'm sure you are going to have fond memories of being able to walk outside your paneling walled bedroom and REV up the first thing that has a dip stick. But when you can't figure out how come your credit cards unlimited limit gets limited by forgetting the minimum payment since 2003, just take out that pimped out Gokart that is one muffler short of street legal and run down to the bank to open a new line of credit.

By the time you navigate around your six cars (five that actually aren't on blocks) and find a bank to welcome you, the H&G channel will be back at your house preparing for the Before Shot of the new SHOW, "Neighbors Don't Let Neighbors Drive, Barbecue, Mow Lawns or Purchase Pink Flamingos Drunk".

The Redwoods of Radon

The buds on the trees are blooming, the birds are awakening before dawn, the air seeps of spring and the trees soar thro--.....WHAT THE....?

Mother Nature just pulled a muscle scratching her head on what she just created. Have to love the architects of cell tower camouflage and their ingenious attempts to "blend" into the scene. I mean other than having a phallic symbol combined with a pipe cleaner on steroids, this actually looks like something you would see in the rocky mountains ...from the space shuttle.

I agree, the naked cell towers of metal obstructions are not beauty to behold, but at least it is what it is. Perhaps you could create a tall fake hill with AstroTurf so the "tree" you create is only protruding 20 feet like its surrounding areas and not trying to compete with the Sears Tower with a 5 o'clock shadow. Use mirrored metal so it reflects the nature it invades instead of using artificial Christmas tree spare parts to cover your "roaming" monstrosity. Better yet, read what Ericcson is doing with their towers around the world. http://www.ecogeek.org/content/view/955/

The best part is where they place these wonders of cell talkology. Behind schools, churches and cash starved companies who want the tax break, funding and of course the health benefits of having a Dr. Seuss' Lorax live above your children and make free cell calls. I was calling my representative to complain but I don't seem to have any bars on my phone.

Getting Red over the Green

Exciting news, some companies truly view our love of the environment as a blinder to our intelligence. More and more products are showing how they care for the future by insulting the fact, if we didn't buy their products in the first place, it might make a bigger difference. I love Poland Spring water, I have bought my outlandish share of plastic bottles and drank them but hopefully discarded them in the proper recycling receptacle. But for them to believe that its better shrinking the bottle and the label 30% and making the material "flexible" for easier recycling defeats their last marketing statement that their bottles are 100% recyclable in the first place. At a bookstore yesterday I saw dark chocolate bar that is designed to help you reduce your carbon footprint in the world. Like Hybrids? The cars that use electricity with or instead of gas. Does anyone realize the additional carbon print that is being expanded from our POWER PLANTS creating that electricity for the cars outweighs the additional mpg's we get on our Prius? Seriously, how about new beer that will lower cholesterol, french fries that use up oil in your house that is going to waste and edible garbage to reduce landfills?

The scary part is I'm not as green conscious as I should be, but as industries try to make money off of our politically correct passions, I think they might scare me into drinking tap water again...of course with a little dark chocolate for a taste enhancer.

New and Improved on the Old and Traditional

I wish someone would just tell me I have been under a rock for the past 20 years. I realized that lately I'm hearing phrases and descriptive terms on products and services that are presented as words that were just "invented". I used to love a meal and just enjoy it for the taste and the fact that it had simple layman descriptions like "super sized" or "full rack". But now, I can't order anything on the menu unless it has "Chipotle" spices or "Angus" beef in it, on it or surrounded by it. Finding definitions for old food is not my idea of creating interest. The same ketchup I have had since I was three now has "Lycopene", my traditional orange juice now has "antioxidants" and even my water has "electrolytes" to inject vapor distilled (calcium chloride, magnesium chloride and potassium bicarbonate) into my what I thought was just a way to quench my thirst. When I arise from my rock in 20 more years, I know that my bologna won't have a first name and my hot dogs won't be within a Ballpark's throw of containing a tasty blend of my favorite meats (pork, beef, chicken, or turkey), meat fat, a cereal filler which could be either bread crumbs, flour, or oatmeal, a little bit of egg white, and a mouth-watering array of herbs and seasonings including garlic, pepper, ground mustard, nutmeg, salt, and onion. Sorry, I just passed a Texas Wiener franchise in the car and got carried away.