Predictive Analytics of the Day

Predictive Analytics of the Day

http://www.cynicalbuzz.com

"promising 3 inches...guaranteeing 6 inches....predicting 12 inches" In my conservative opinion, I think it's time we regulate the meteorologist industry to rethink their vernacular before they go on TV and forecast a big blizzard or better yet, they should keep their excited opinions about their personal depth perception to themselves.

Is there any other career where you can miss 7 out of 10 times at your craft and still excel at your job (not including baseball)? Please, please!! In my next life, pay me to be a weatherman for Phoenix or San Diego or Bora Bora where I stand there for 10 minutes a day and go. "It's going to be a pretty nice day. There were worries about seeing a cloud or two, but that was only a heat spot on the Doppler radar. Tomorrow should be more of the same and the weekend looks ...well...um...pretty darn good too."

I TOO, want to stand in front of you and point to a digital map which only, I, interpret as good, bad or indifferent based on some "neat charts". I want to wear bad blazers, flashy ties and bonded teeth to tell you what you already know, "It is COLD, WARM, HOT" or the all time favorite as they point, "if you are HERE...you should be feeling some rain in your area about now."

Yes, sign me up to have 'some good ole banter' with the sports guy next to me who is reading the old news and scores off the internet with a clip-on tie and my co-anchors who are excellent ..I MEAN..excellent at reading scrolling copy at 45 wpm. But please correct yourself when read, "Afghanistan Militia" when hyphenated. It's sounds so wrong when you say, "Afgan and Stan licious".

My next life, I promise to pay more attention to air pressure, barometer readings and jet streams as I will ask my future parents to name me Storm, Chilly, or Rain to ensure my career as a futurist of precipitation does not go unnoticed, unrewarded and to guarantee I get a cool red jacket with blow dry hair to wear on the air to tell you to "HAVE A ____ DAY", depending on the inches of course.

Neighbor Can You Spare Some Time

My favorite elderly neighbors asked me to come over yesterday to help them with some new FANGLED technology. I gratefully ran over salivating hoping to assist Mavis and Eddie with perhaps a Bluetooth music system or HDTV linked to their netbooks.

As they graciously opened their door like their long lost son just returned from the war (I saw their furniture..we’re talking the Civil War), I see a box holding a—cassette loading refurbished answering machine and a VCR on a TV which was YES, you guessed it, still flashing 12:01 12:01 12:01 12:01 12:01.

My current age must not have resonated with them as they offered me cookies and milk as I set up their answering machine, even know I could swear I smelled their afternoon ritual of whiskey sours seeping through the air.

I tried to simplify the process of them recording their message into the machine even testing it with them a few times before I felt confident they could handle it.

Before I left, I adjusted their MAGNAVOX VCR clock and set the timer so they can tape their GUIDING LIGHT soap opera but I just didn’t have the heart to tell them it’s being cancelled in a few weeks.

That evening, I felt obligated to call to see the technical progress of my “greatest generation” and their giant step into the 19.5th century as the answering machine kicked on.

Then….the love I felt knowing they followed my directions to the every detail was just overwhelming.

“HI…YOU HAVE….REACHED THE CIRELLI’S…." “It’s not working Eddie..the light isn’t on..” MAVIS, SSHHH….ERIK TOLD ME THAT IT ONLY NEEDS TO FLASH ONCE,…IT IS ON………PLEASE LEAVE A MESS---" “Eddie…I don’t think that is the light he was talking about.. He was talking about the VCR light” "MAVIS.. I KNOW WHAT I’M DO---.BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP”

Mmm…the only message I could leave was. “Your answering machine sounds perfect. I hope you enjoy your PROGRAM tonight” as I rushed to send their phone number to everyone on my twitter account because no one is going to believe this message unless they hear it for themselves.

Getting Ugly on the Snuggie

Give me a minute...please...I just shot milk out of my nose from laughing so hard at my NEW favorite (BUY THIS BECAUSE YOU ARE DUMBER THAN THE MASSES) commercial. The amazing super soft luxurious fleece hands-free SNUGGY that is one light saber away from being inducted into the Star Wars costume hall of fame.

I know you hate it when the blanket is just not long enough for both your hands and your swollen feet and perhaps there truly isn't an answer to the times when you need to use your hands while you sit on your lazy ass and watch the repeat episodes of the Ginzu knives/Steambuddy/Fix-a-chip/Abtwister hour.

EVER JUST TRY putting your hands back in the blanket after you use them? I'm sure together we can find alternative solutions before we have to digress to wearing roman attire before we retire.

Does your body lose that much heat for the brief second you answer the phone under your grandma's favorite afghan? Do you truly need a RUBY RED gown made from the SHAMWOW material that cleans my car every weekend to ensure your the most stylish person NEVER?

Now, I'm a huge fan of Carol Burnett's Scarlett O'Hare and her innovative tailoring of velvet curtains into a dress within 30 seconds for Harvey Korman's Rhett Butler "WENT WITH THE WIND" circa 1978 ,but even they couldn't stop laughing during that scene because of the absurdity.

If I ever come to your house and you are wearing a one piece anything...Let's just call it what it is....A house dress...case closed.

Now please realize this ONE SIZE FITS MOST has its pitfalls. You may have a slot for your cold hands to down your Sudafed mixer, but after sitting on that corduroy couch drinking diet soda and iced tea since you awoke at 11am, you will have to get up as there is NOT an extra hole for you to relieve yourself (that is an extra $19.99). Don't forget to brush the cheese doodles off both your trailer trash tuxedo and your hands before you even get the bathroom or your new HUMAN TENT will will forever leave a bulls-eye for the family pets curiosity.

Now I do apologize if you belong to Heaven's Gate UFO cult and you are wearing Nike running shoes under that monochromatic apparel to prepare you for that infomercial in the sky known as the HOME SHOPPING NETWORK. But next time you think you found a reason to not get dressed like the rest of the world, rent the Ben Hur classic and watch what the lions did to the idiots in their SNUGGIES.

Searching For All The Answers

It's before 5 a.m, so pardon the thought process. With that being said, even at this ungodly hour, if you search for something specific in the year 2008, you would think it would be relatively easy to find it on the world's biggest search network.

When I search for New World Tragedy, I don't want to see the recent Paris and Lindsay fight with Lauren and one of the Simpson sisters (I think the one without the nose job)

When I search for Meaning of Life, I shouldn't see McCain and Obama banner ads float by my result index. “The Meaning of their ad budget that we are funding with political donations maybe. Life? I don’t think so.

When I search for History of Economics, I shouldn’t have pages of Michael Phelps’ new endorsement deals. (But it does make me want to clean my pool)

When I search for stars, I never..I mean NEVER have to see a link of any American Idol contestant, Justin Timberlake or a Jonas Brother. (Asteroid maybe, but star, please)

When I search for used cars, I shouldn’t have to see any “Pimp My Ride” wannabe with candy apple paint and a fondue kitchen in the back seat and 7 LCD screens embedded in the Corinthian leather.

When I search for top news, I shouldn’t be linked to TMZ, Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood. Seriously after watching that for 3 straight hours a night, it gets old..Trust me.

When I search for me, I shouldn’t get some college kid with same name who loves to YouTube himself playing Quarters with Lime Vodka. I mean, no one had video cameras when I went to school…I don’t think.

When I search in the search, I should find the phrase, “Maybe you should have paid more attention in school, and you wouldn’t have to ask these questions today”.

The radio is always greener

I'm spoiled. Love the music. Love that I can store an infinite amount of music on a piece of plastic the size of cassette tape (sorry, but I find humor in that).

All my favorites from the latest artists I downloaded last night to my high school classics I bought years ago to the hard-to-find, unique songs I would never have bought if I had to actually buy the entire album for one tune or search for that song in a store.

So why am I miserable? WHY do I shuffle through my iPod 50 or 60 times out of 2000 available from songs "I" chose myself, before I find any ONE song I want to hear?

The one tune that is going to get me to the next destination; the next "ADD" moment.

Worse yet. Wouldn't you know it, when I hear a song on the radio that I know IS already on my iPod, I ask myself, "I LOVE that freakin' song...I wonder if its on my iPod so I can listen to it." Never fails.

I've come to the conclusion we could have our own personal band playing for us nightly, but we always want the song when someone else plays it or has it playing on their iPod. Think of it this way: We like when others shampoo our hair. We like it much more when someone else makes the same meal we made for ourselves last week.

Spoiled? YES. I guess that is why scratching my own back doesn't have any pleasure either.

Idk my bff Jill?

Although this is one of my favorite commercials, I truly worry about all of our children's social interaction whether it's texting, IMing or emailing. For adults, we have already been (hopefully) taught proper grammer and sentence structure.

We for the most part know how to spell. I force myself to expand my emails and not use Txt speak - , ..., ROFLOL and abbreviations because of the reflection on my work.

But young children saving seconds off of their messages, and strokes off of their phone tapping have evolved into a synopsis of a SCRAMBLE game.

Perhaps as phones become smarter and finish the words for the user, The young reader/viewer will still assemble in their minds the proper way to communicate. I lv txtng, but I miss words and thoughts that flow.

GTG