To be a Fly on the Wall

To be a Fly on the Wall

http://www.cynicalbuzz.com

How can it be ONLY loud obnoxious flies get in the house the one time you actually open the door.

No other creature, animal or insect in the world spends their entire existence waiting for this opportunity to rush in at the most opportune moment to disrupt my sleep during the night.

Seriously, not water buffalos, not GEICO geckos, not even Aflac ducks ever get in my house.--JUST a fly. I need to know. Do they hang out on the outer edge of a door and pray for a knock on the door from the UPS driver awaiting a signature?

I will not surrender. I will not let this minuscule creature of other people's demise win. Because for only $1000 I have found a solution. I combine my Dyson Air Multiplier in front of my face (um.. just a quiet cool fan) and Bose noise cancellation headphones (um..a device which fits around your ears that makes you look "SPECIAL" to drown out any sound including a atom bomb.

Hours later, I wake up peacefully with an ear ache, wind blown hair and red, dried eyes...BUT, all with a victorious grin knowing this one fly buzzed all night long without affecting my sleep. aw, the sweet taste of victory, "COUGH, COUGH". oops, found the bugger. FML

Massaging the Masses

Massaging the Masses

http://www.cynicalbuzz.com

As I walk through the shopping mall, I am stopped in my tracks while viewing the retail circle of public massage tables and their no-shame patrons who have less pride than a stupid human tricks participant on David Letterman.

Yes, I see you and I realized there is no way you can have the same stress as me. It is impossible you are going through the same life I am, if you can lay your body in a contortionist chair in the open while a small family of masseuses place their hands on their victims.

By the looks of it, you were given the ‘special uncle’ masseuse, who after he reached 18 received a restraining order from every elementary school in the free world.

How DO you press your face in an upside down catcher’s mask and not care your community’s neighbors, cellmates and cynical voyeurs like me are repulsed with the fact you are sharing your exposed, posture, sounds and exhales of a $25 rubdown in between a matinee and Panda King lunch?

In my humble opinion, it is impossible to tune out the world placed in a crouching lazy dog position as an elbow is being buried in your shoulder blade while the rest of the shoppers eat pretzels, Thai food samples and peruse the Apple Store just feet from YOUR feet.

I’m in full view of you as I am surrounded by the iPad, iTouch or an iPhone but all I hear is you iGrunt, iMoan or iSigh. At one point, after hearing you, I swore some smart ass opened up all adult entertainment sites on the new iMAC next to me.

But no, it is just you completely tuning out the fact that you are in a retail outlet known more for its One Day Sales, not its One Hour Happy Endings.

I can’t even laugh at you anymore. I can’t even begin to shake my head in embarrassment for you. I just walk out of the store, past your 21^st century rendition of a roman torture chamber and head up an escalator giving your own personal gladiator masseuse with cheap lotion a thumbs down to end your, and more importantly, MY misery.

I pity you as I get to the next floor, because you don’t realize like I do, you COULD go sit in a FREE massage chair upstairs at Brookstone. At least there I KNOW I can recline on my BACK while the rest of the shopping world laughs at me.

FULL SERVICE STATIC AT THE SELF SERVICE LINE

FULL SERVICE STATIC AT THE SELF SERVICE LINE

http://www.cynicalbuzz.com

Sounds like the best idea yet. Eliminate the cashier and let me scan and pay for my "STUFF" with a swipe of a card. Ahh, the EZ PASS for the pedestrian of the shopping lanes. What a concept...right?

NO! The biggest issue isn't that innovative idea, but the fact, the self checkout line at a Home Depot or a Walmart is ONLY AS FAST as the neophytes shopping before you .

OMG, LADY!!! the machine has it spelled out for you in not only BLACK AND WHITE, but in BRAILLE, it TALKS to you, it has a HELP button and it even has the bags OPEN there for you to put your 50 pack of batteries in.

PULEASE Mister, It's a scanner, not a MRI machine, swipe the freaking bar code, but don't hold it there until the new year.

YEAH YEAH. The Bar code...that thing that has attached itself to every item since 1972. OK, now repeat after me, each time it "BEEPS" you get charged. So right now you owe $450.00 for that pack of gum you keep swiping as your OCD kicks in at just the wrong time of the checkout process and MY life. It is paid for. I promise you and if not, I'll buy you a pack of gum for MOVING YOUR HUSH PUPPY shoes a little further down the line and leaving the premises without hitting that "help" button again.

Barcode you ask again? "Yeah yeah, the Morse code THINGY that is on the side of your paint can. YO, Norman, do you really need to use that much EGGSHELL paint at your age anyway? TRY white, your eyes can't be that sharp, you just hit the ASSISTANCE button five times to ask if your credit card will work in this type of machine. No, of course YOURS won't work. You have the only credit card out of the 400 million Americans who has a Visa that won't swipe in a VISA branded slot.

Seriously, if you don't move your corduroy brushing self out of the way, I am going to break down and yell "THIEF" because you forget to scan the two bags of SALT in your cart because its bigger than the glass you would have to lay it on."

Three steps is all it takes My Dear Hindrance of the Shopping Highway.

1) scan the item

2) place in bag

3) swipe your card and approve.

Any more steps than that and you can join those drivers in the EZ PASS lane that didn't read those two miles of signs ahead of time in NEON LIGHTS that said, "EZ PASS HOLDER ONLY" lanes to the left.

There is truly another world for you to shop in and it doesn't include me. I would tell you to stay home and shop online, but you would be waiting impatiently for the purchased items to be expulsed out of your printer paper slot.

Next time a store wants to make my life easier, don't try to AUTOMATE, TRY ELIMINATE......By IQ.

Anyone who can't figure out how to check out should be required to pay a premium for a personal shopper and stay to the rear of the store until the rest of us leave.

Now that I'm finally ready to check out........um...does anyone know what "ITEM NOT RECOGNIZED MEAN?" As there is no way I'm hitting that 'assistance needed' button after that long rant. ;)

Averting Disaster

The merging lane was a disaster ready to implode. The intersection itself was already packed while the space was narrow and obstructed. I just avoided a rear end collision a few moments before as I diverted my eyes to see what was passing me on the side that smelled familiar. I returned my focus to the impossible task at hand and decided I had to either stop completely to avoid adding to the trouble ahead or shoot the gap.

I didn’t hesitate. I accelerated to bypass the slower drivers and the undeciders. I shot through the lane and looked back to see two old ladies, a man with a Bluetooth headset and a family with twins scarcely miss the crash of a lifetime.

But as I moved down to the cereal aisle, I noticed my challenges had just begun and I knew right then, I was going to have to take a quick detour to grab a cold chocolate milk and just endure what was going to be another Sunday crowd at the food store. I relent that some pain is unavoidable as I hear echoing over the lanes, “NUMBER 24, your Deli order is now ready”. --- I need more than chocolate. I’m Number 275.

Feeling Used at a Used Car Lot

Been to a Car Dealer lately? In this economy, walk into a new or used parking lot and experience what it is like to be the hot chick at a night club. Laugh if you may, but they swarm around you with shiny gifts, gold chains and smiles. And they move in so close you know what they had for dinner three nights ago. I kept hearing….“HOW YOUUU DOIN?” echoed across the tiled showroom as I browse for my next mode of transportation.

OK, the gifts are more like stale donuts sold by men with OLD SPICE and yellow teeth, but I’M getting attention and that is what matters the most.

There is a new policy with car salesmen; they will be literally fired if they allow you to leave the facility without buying a car while on site. I know, as I saw the ‘memo’ pinned on top of his 1968, 1969 and 1971 salesmen of the month awards. (1970 was the year of the Ford Pinto…’nuff said)

This isn’t a joke. I gave my car keys for them to evaluate a trade in and no matter how many times I tried to leave, my sales rep said he would be back with my keys but he conveniently ‘forgot’ and came back with a new offer instead…”a better solution to get me to decrease my payments”.

Please don’t ask me what I WANT to pay a month (its always $29.99 of course) and THEN think I will be happy if you add 172 months to the length of the loan to get the payments down. To me, THAT isn’t a “solution” but more of a rolling mortgage I’ll never pay off. I’m buying a car, not protection from organized crime.

However, to be fair, I did walk in and tease them by slipping a comment of how I’m willing to pay in full…WITH CASH… just to watch their Leisure Suit Larry eyes bulge and the hidden cameras all go on alert as their manager, Jabba the Hut, tries to figure out how to get me to buy two cars and then agree to add LO/JACK and safety sealant to make back his profit margin after I leave.

Seriously though, PAY CASH? I don’t even buy gum anymore with cash but Dwight Schrute’s twin sure got excited when I said, “I didn’t know Ben Franklin was on EVERY $100 bill, did you?”

The ad on the internet said the car I want is available today for the unprecedented low price of $10.00 over bluebook. Who’s blue book? The one on your desk that says, How to lie to your customer and still look in the mirror? I repeatedly told you that I didn’t want the lime green Taurus no matter what deal you can give me…AND more importantly, I like my interior to match or compliment the outside paint job, not look like the salt water taffy assortment pack I got at the shore last week.

As I negotiate the price down to three Denny’s Grand Slam breakfasts and a gift card to 7/11, I left listening to him whine how he is now going to get fired for selling that car for so low.

Too bad, I just want to drive away feeling like the new car smell is going to overtake any Old Spice that has lingered by my senses and not wake up in a cold sweat tonight wondering if I could have got a better deal if I wouldn’t have asked to add SiriusXM radio, moon roof, blue tooth enabled phone and a personal driver three days a week.

Conformity at its Worse

I've tried. I have held my ground as long as I can hoping it would just go away during the next season of America's Top Model.

I have faithfully hesitated to touch upon this sensitive issue. One that touches millions and is both politically incorrect and teeters on cruelty but....

WHAT on earth possesses anyone to think that wearing jeans tucked in UGGS with the same soft touch North Face Jacket every other 15 year old is wearing is a style you want to emulate?


OH OH..I know. Everyone keeps telling me they are incredibly comfortable. They feel as if you stepped into a sheep pen without the smell. But comfort is not a style. There are men who define comfort with baggy boxers and a AC/DC t-shirt but even THEY don't walk around the mall looking like they broke their leg in a ski mishap.

Casual wear at its finest. Warm, easy to get on and off and based on every 12-28 year old, they go with everything from Pre-game warm ups to PJ's. Please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks these over sized elephant mitts look as though they fell out of the ugly tree and hit every other branch. Why would you want to walk around with your legs aspiring to be short tree stumps?

Let's define it as a fad and soon enough I can rant about Hollister sweatshirts that smell like the beach.

I'll stop, I'll let it go....but when I see a middle aged man wearing the same thing trying to look like he FITS in with the teen scene, I am sorry. I just want to stop the world and get off. These kids are suppose to conform no matter what we think, but you look like a bad sequel of HARRY and LLOYD of DUMB AND DUMBER on their way to ASPEN to get a fake tan.

Let the conformity teen scene enjoy their sheep skin boots and fluffy jackets. YOU need to stick to boxers and AC/DC shirts..It is what makes the world right again.

Sleep Walking Through a Business Case

Whether it is the Mattress Cowboys, 1-800Mattress or Sleepy's, after driving by strip mall after shopping plaza and see endless discount mattress and bedding outlets and stores, I'm lost..Someone find me a bed to nap in and explain to me how these places makes money?

We all love to sleep and personally, I have bought a few mattresses in my lifetime but we aren't talking about an investment in cars or houses. SOOO, how do they stay in business?

DO you ever think each weekend, "HONEY, It's Saturday, lets go get ANOTHER mattress because we haven't got one in like..um...5 weeks and the old one has crumbs in it."

or

"Sweetheart, do you have your old mattresses ready to go? I'll stop by the Serta outlet and pick up your new ones before I go to the dry cleaners."

Now don't get me wrong. I wake up every day with a stiff back and numb legs thinking maybe I need a new mattress.

But I don't actually GO BUY ONE. Do you? My next one is going to be either a Tempur-Pedic or Craft-o-Matic roll with the heated pads but I only have to call the 800 number from Ed McMahon to have that one delivered because NO one would get caught BUYING one of those in a STORE without a doctor's prescription. (wink)

POP QUIZ: When was the last time you went into a mattress discounter? Really..unless Party City was next door and you saw a fake brass bed that reminded you of your grandparent's bedroom set or because it was adjacent to an TGIF's and you had 30 minutes to kill before your vibrating paging coaster went off so you can get your THREE FOR ALL appetizer smothered in Jack's sauce.

But even if you and your significant other decided to digress to 1950's TV sleeping arrangements (DICK VAN DYKE, LUCY AND DESI.. et al) and move to separate rooms on the same floor with your own beds...THAT is still only TWO beds bought over a few years.

Yes, I could be thinking too much about this dilemma in a world where economic struggles run much deeper than box springs and bed skirts. But it IS these things that keep me up at night.....

or perhaps it is my insomnia caused by the fact I just need a new mattress from DISCOUNT BOB's?

Key Master of Suburbia

Excuse me. I see you trying to find your wallet and all I can say as you sort through your faux Coach bag is, "Where you going with that tool belt of metal and plastic?"

Schneider from "One Day at a Time" only had 5 keys and he was the building superintendent for that whole building.

Please, I'm listening. What do you need other than a house key, a car key and your HEALTH FITNESS plastic mini membership card? Serious, I saw your grocery cart, I know that COSTCO card is used way more than that ExerWISE tab and your key chain on a leash is equivalent to one average size dumbbell as it is.

Let me help. Keep your garage door opener in the car: Dump the female version of a Swiss Army knife as it has no purpose other than to create havoc at security in the department stores.

Remove those souvenir items along with your rabbit's tail and your car will get another 10 mpg per tank of gas. Seriously, how often do you really open a beer bottle while you are driving anyway?

Those other keys. What are they good for? Absolutely nothing. There is just no possible way anyone in this world gave you access to anything other than your souped up 1999 Honda Prelude.

I truly thought when you pulled it out, you were setting up a Coleman Family Tent for six and your keys were the support poles. I haven't seen that much junk hooked together since MacGyver went off the air back in '92.

Go home, unload that knapsack with anything other than the key to the car you are actually driving and perhaps you won't spend the next few minutes in front of me complaining that your have lower back problems.

Better yet. Here's $25.00. Buy your self the Clapper for every electronic item you own and begin your new healthy new year's resolution by working on your upper body. Blog On...Blog Off.

Getting Ugly on the Snuggie

Give me a minute...please...I just shot milk out of my nose from laughing so hard at my NEW favorite (BUY THIS BECAUSE YOU ARE DUMBER THAN THE MASSES) commercial. The amazing super soft luxurious fleece hands-free SNUGGY that is one light saber away from being inducted into the Star Wars costume hall of fame.

I know you hate it when the blanket is just not long enough for both your hands and your swollen feet and perhaps there truly isn't an answer to the times when you need to use your hands while you sit on your lazy ass and watch the repeat episodes of the Ginzu knives/Steambuddy/Fix-a-chip/Abtwister hour.

EVER JUST TRY putting your hands back in the blanket after you use them? I'm sure together we can find alternative solutions before we have to digress to wearing roman attire before we retire.

Does your body lose that much heat for the brief second you answer the phone under your grandma's favorite afghan? Do you truly need a RUBY RED gown made from the SHAMWOW material that cleans my car every weekend to ensure your the most stylish person NEVER?

Now, I'm a huge fan of Carol Burnett's Scarlett O'Hare and her innovative tailoring of velvet curtains into a dress within 30 seconds for Harvey Korman's Rhett Butler "WENT WITH THE WIND" circa 1978 ,but even they couldn't stop laughing during that scene because of the absurdity.

If I ever come to your house and you are wearing a one piece anything...Let's just call it what it is....A house dress...case closed.

Now please realize this ONE SIZE FITS MOST has its pitfalls. You may have a slot for your cold hands to down your Sudafed mixer, but after sitting on that corduroy couch drinking diet soda and iced tea since you awoke at 11am, you will have to get up as there is NOT an extra hole for you to relieve yourself (that is an extra $19.99). Don't forget to brush the cheese doodles off both your trailer trash tuxedo and your hands before you even get the bathroom or your new HUMAN TENT will will forever leave a bulls-eye for the family pets curiosity.

Now I do apologize if you belong to Heaven's Gate UFO cult and you are wearing Nike running shoes under that monochromatic apparel to prepare you for that infomercial in the sky known as the HOME SHOPPING NETWORK. But next time you think you found a reason to not get dressed like the rest of the world, rent the Ben Hur classic and watch what the lions did to the idiots in their SNUGGIES.

I'm Listening, But Can't Hear a Word You Said

I do watch too much TV. I think of it like a traffic accident. I just can't look away because I feel I will miss the epitome of a 10-car pile up right in front of my eyes.

Need one more gift before the holiday? Need that little something something to truly cap off a festive season? Look no further than this amazing plastic (faux metal) box with ToysRus headphones. The LISTENUP SOUND amplifier is the cure for all who truly need to hear who hates them today.

That's right, hold this inconspicuous 1988 beeper/pager up to the world to bring in that mysterious ambient noise that you haven't been able to decipher from all the normal garbage we hear daily for a full comprehension of the moment's waste of oxygen.

I don't know about you. But do I truly want to hold this up (CHEST HIGH AND POINTED AT THE SOURCE OF AUDIO) to hear my neighbors complain about my dog's bathroom habits or how I haven't raked leaves since April?

Do I want to spend my bonus money on the ability to hear all that I have been ignoring my whole life? I don't think so. There is a reason I wait until I hear people repeat their request three times. I'm a man and I have this hope they will forget what they actually need me to do again before asking a fourth time. I perhaps see the need to bring it to church, but I might accidentally have my iPod plugged into it..HEY.... I'm JUST SAYING.

The most exciting part of this device to me is the fact that if I ever saw someone wearing this technological wonder of one AAA battery with a belt clip, I would silently mouth the Gettysburg address, laughing intermittently, to cause such paranoia and panic in this pseudo spy of the eavesdrop world, they would turn the volume up soo high, they will actually hear Arctic wolves howl for the dinner before they hear me say with complete clarity, "I just read that those devices cause incontinence in three of out four users and I just heard my neighbor has one."

Just Review this blog on the days you don't Read

You HAVE to be kidding me! Driving out of the Lincoln Tunnel into the city and to see a Verizon billboard that has as much logic as building a tunnel under 4 billion gallons of water to get to an island.

A PAY-AS-YOU-GO plan is great for the 8 people on the planet who only use their cell phone in emergencies. But seeing in all its magnificent glory in a slogan that says, "JUST PAY ON THE DAYS YOU USE IT" high above my metropolis mix of 8,274,527 people who never, ever remove their cell phones from their ears just seems like a waste of billboard space.

When is the last time you ever DIDN'T use your cell phone? Maybe 2001 when you left it in the wash with your Starbucks gift card?

I'll save you time for the the next billboards in the area. Don't worry about compensating me for my ideas. I promise you its completely MY pleasure.

For Weight Watchers plan, "Only get fat on the days you eat".

For Health Insurance, "Just pay on the days you aren't feeling well".

For a college fund, "Only pay for the tuition if you kid gets a job after that doesn't include asking if they want fries with the order".

For iTunes, "Only pay for the song if it wasn't sampled, copied, repetitive, sung by John Mayer or has la la la in it".

For Poland Spring, "Pay only for the water if you can't get the same wet liquid out of your tap at home"

For the airline industry, "Pay for only the flights you actually reach your destination."

For Verizon's next million dollar idea, "How about I pay triple for the days I don't use my phone?"

Tailored Made for Misery

OUCH. I mean...OUCH. I was fitted for a Tuxedo and I NOW know where Sadists go when they get old. My tailor looks like the sweetest elderly lady you could ever meet. She never stops saying thank you and repeatedly says OK to anything you ask regarding dry cleaning or clothes. But take a chance and ask her to take in a pair of pants and a jacket and you open the floodgates of her past life as the Pain Minister of Acupuncture .

I'm thinking a few minutes of a tug here, a fold there and a quick mark of a wax pencil with a safety pin and I'm done..outta here and off to pick up dinner.

There is a reason I don't gamble as I couldn't have been farther off and I will never, REPEAT NEVER, let this 4 ft. frame of a woman fool me again with her sweet smile. I walked out to the parking lot with the confidence knowing that my prostate is normal, I do bleed red each time I'm poked and my voice can rise two octaves with the right amount of pressure.

I forgot to ask her if she takes health care insurance because I haven't had that thorough of a physical since I played high school football.

Getting changed behind a 3 Ft. louvre screen that has as much privacy as a Swiss Spa, didn't help comfort my doubt of her tape measure prowess. She's screaming numbers out to her assistant who I never saw. (scary thought in itself). "35...... 36...no 35.5...No...35" she screams out in two different cadences.

Where am I? Is this a tailor behind me or is Tom Brady getting ready to hike a football from between my legs?

Sorry, you lost all my confidence in your statement of "NO PAIN, TWO MINUTES promise", when I asked about how all this could be done today.

So I surely don't believe you when you tell me the pin needs to break the skin to ensure a proper fit. "No lady, I'm NOT tensing up...You just happen to "grab" me to help yourself off the ground and I haven't been used like that without someone buying me at least a drink AND dinner."

I truly couldn't tell you if the tuxedo is going to fit me. But I promise my new "best friend" with a pin cushion knows more about my body shape, size, measurement and BMI than any HoMedic's scale on the market.

I walked away in complete denial, not knowing if I should be ashamed or thankful I didn't ask to have her for a second date.

The New Math

It must seem that my life is spent in a line. As I run my errands throughout the week or weekend, I realize I spend wasteful amounts of time behind lines of people that just seem to believe no one watches them. To my chagrin or lack of something to do with more value, I seem to be the one who notices.

Quick lesson: When it says 10 items or less for THAT particular cashier's line. It simply means that. There is no interpretation of the law, no need to appeal, argue or gather names for a petition. It is 10 or less. If you got 11, go ahead, I'm a nice guy.

However, if you try to sneak in 19, Can I call the Handy Helper security number? Can we check your shopping IQ? It didn't say to round DOWN to the nearest 10, nor did it say to use a number that can be divisible by 10, let alone a number that can be lumped into sets. Your dozen eggs do count for one item. But your 15 individually wrapped fruits and veggies combined with the 9 wrapped deli packages do not count as ONE food group in this line mister.

I'd have more respect if you went in with 9 and got back in the same line with 9 more. At least then I would think you aren't assuming the rest of us didn't pass the 8th grade.

Yeah, yeah, we are ALL in a hurry. We all have something to do before the weekend ends. We all have something we won't be able to finish because we are stuck in this line that is supposedly an express check out. It's ok, the world does revolve around you. What else would explain your ability to cheerfully grab 7 other items, while in line, that could feed the Brady Bunch for two months when you were just gonna grab a "few things that you forgot".

The merchant gods must have been watching as the line next to you opened up for me and all your fruits and vegetables needed a price check from my favorite Cashier, so you will be here until Daylight Savings changes or until you can write, "I will not count 9 cases of Red Bull as one item 100 times, I will not count 9 cases of......"

Time is Money for Only a Selected Few

Huge sporting goods grand opening this weekend. Hundreds of anxious patrons lined up around the building awaiting the doors to open. What could be so thrilling? What is so amazing where someone would spend a Sunday morning AND afternoon standing in line with other humans with no lives?

An autograph from their favorite ballplayer? Four tickets to a game? A lifetime supply of tube socks? No, it has to be much more valuable for this long and winding crowd. These intellectual wonders of our society are lined up to receive a $10.00 gift card to SPEND in the sporting goods store. NOT cash, not hundreds of dollars, but a $10.00 gift card that has an expiration date.

Unless they all walked to the store, they spent that much money already driving to the store. Unless they feel that a ten spot is going to drastically reduce a pair of $150.00 Air Jordans to anything below $140.00, their life perceptions are completely out of whack.

I must have lost my value of a dollar as I wouldn't spend ONE hour to wait for a gift card that is less than the $25 blockbuster card still sitting in my wallet from 2002 (who rents movies anymore?).

I have 48 hours maximum of a weekend escape, but there is nothing more valuable to me than standing in 95 degree sun on a sidewalk to ensure I got the deal of a lifetime that rivals my trip to the Poconos for five hours to listen to a four hour sales pitch of a timeshare to receive a free trip to the Bahamas as long as I pay for airfare and go between July 6-9 during a leap year.

Next week, I'm going to offer all of those thrifty shoppers a gift they truly can benefit from. Stay home, go to the online store of the same name and receive a $10.00 first time user gift card. All you have to do is send me $9.95 plus shipping and handling and I'll send you the web site address. (Hint, it starts with WWW.)

The Slicer Dicer and Ginzu Knife walk into a bar...

Late night infomercial showcasing a new amazing, space age, state of the art, cutting edge cleaning sponge. Outstanding absorbency that combines both Karate Kid's "WAX ON and WAX OFF" cleaning in one yellow ball of softness.

I have no idea the cost because they won't tell me until I waste another 20 minutes of my life watching this woman who has never washed a car in her life wash a car she would never be caught dead in, but, I do know that it will last a lifetime and that alone forces my credit card to flex out of my wallet.

Oh wait, if I act now, I get an additional one at no extra cost. FANTASTIC. Um. but if it lasts a lifetime, why do I need another one? I'm only washing one car at a time, I'm ambidextrous, but can't use both hands at once. I'm confused as they had me at, "Have you ever needed...." and lost me at "quantities are running low". Low quantities? If they stop giving free ones away, they would have more for suckers like me. Forget it. I'm going back to watching TONY LITTLE and his fat ponytail ride the Gazelle. At least I know it's only $329 and look how his body has just melted away using it for 20 years. Better yet, I'm going to listen to the sounds of 90's rock. I have 10 more CD's coming if I continue to pay off my loan to my lifetime music club.

Packed By Volume Not Weight

Opened up a new bottle of over the counter medicine caplets this morning. Not a big JANITOR-IN-THE-DRUM size bottle, just a medium bottle with a child safety cap that I surprisingly out-witted even before 7am.

After removing enough cotton to stuff a KissMe Elmo and a Pamela Anderson autographed silicone gel pack to keep it fresh (yes, I hate when pills aren't ripe yet), I noticed that all of the pills combined don't even fill a 1/4 of the bottle. Serious, not even close. I have gotten over the nutritional fact my potato chip bags contain vacuumed air and I am only getting .035 chip for every true craving. But a pill? I just want some honesty in my purchasing transaction. If I am getting only enough pills to sedate a cricket, tell me. If the bottle is to keep me from understanding depth perception, than I will believe TMZ is quality journalism. At least use my car's side view mirror as a label so items I open may appear larger than they actually are.

But to see the bottom of the bottle when I first open it, requires a little more resilience than I'm willing to sustain. Perhaps you should check the envelope I handed back to you to purchase the bottle. It may fit a new Mac AirBook, but remove the cotton and a gelpack and I'm sure you will get the full picture of what I thought it was worth.

Impulsive Compulsive Shopping

Grocery stores could have you in and out of a checkout line faster than it took you to decide you were hungry. But they don't because of people like me. "Hi, My name is (STATE YOUR NAME HERE) and I'm an impulse buyer." Yes, its true, I go into a SuperPathGrandA&PSTOP&SHOP to buy a head of lettuce and garbage bags and I leave with $290 worth of vitamin water, specially infused juices, the newest magazines, a 'cool' new package of the same deodorant I have used for years that cost $6 more now because it looks better but smells the same.

I grab anything that says six for the price of five even though I never bought or needed ONE of them EVER. Don't even get me started on the cereal aisle where you know you are in trouble when Cap'n Crunch is the less appealing box on the wall. Then as I'm waiting for the lady in front of me who bought one of those 1/2 boxes of eggs, one thing of yogurt, a pint of half & half and a People magazine, I realize she has to be single. No. No, not because of her purchases, just because she is really ugly. (old joke I threw in because its early it the morning)

Back to the aisle where I bought 3 packs of the newest gum with the newest way to have taste last 11 seconds in your mouth, an eyeglass repair kit (for who? if I could see the screws in my glasses I wouldn't need glasses), seven different types of batteries and ANOTHER nail clipper so I have one in every drawer in the house. Remind me next time I need lettuce to just start a garden. I can't be trusted just cause I have a special store membership card that saves me 23 cents on my total purchases.

Sell a dollar for 50 cents

Garage and yard sales. I do understand being a buyer of these thrifty items and deal breaking objects of desire as much as I understand the obsession with online auctions and finding the special item missing from your Hobbit or Star Wars collection. Truly, I can see the excitement and the kill of the hunt for the savvy buyers of the world. However, I haven't figured out the point of having one. selling and planning a Garage sale. You would think you can't have one without the other but I promise you I will never be the other.

Plan your next month around a Saturday garage sale. Advertise in the local paper, buy balloons and signs to ensure sold out traffic is in your driveway from 7am -3pm on one of the two days you have to relax from work in the first place. Cancel any plans for today or tonight that would actually help you relax. Start piling boxes of clothes, toys, cheap gifts other cheap people sent you combined with hours of hauling everything to the end of your driveway hoping it doesn't rain as you now know "rain dates" are extra in the GAZETTE TRIBUNE POST INDEPENDENT NEWS. Preparation alone takes more logistics than the Gulf war deployment of a million men and machines, even without recruiting children or family members to organized by MOVIE subject matter. DRAMA-Kitchen items that were going to help you eat healthy and make a grilled chicken sandwich in under 5 seconds, COMEDY-last decade's clothes that you still think will fit you if you don't eat the chicken sandwich, HORROR-Furniture you thought looked cool at WalMart under the fluorescent lights, ACTION-Yard tools and sporting equipment you never used to build, exercise or fix anything other than changing a light bulb or hang a shirt on, ROMANCE-Jewelry that looked good on Pacino in Scarface and Beach reading books with lotion and sand still on them. Cost: $150.00 (not including time and labor).

Saturday is here and the masses come before the morning paper and my ad. Honestly it was more like 24 people and 6 spouses who stayed in the car screaming, "We already have a faux wood coat rack, let's get to Sizzler before the Early Birds." Don't forget the ones who walk into the house asking to buy the stuff you are NOT buying and shocked that the brand new lawnmower without a grass stain isn't part of the same deal with the rake with no teeth. If I hear this phrase, "$2.50 for this leather coat? Can you do any better? Would you take $1.25?" I'm going to call the police and claim trespassing on my property without a brain.

Sunday morning is here, time to relax and enjoy the last few hours before the work week begins. Sorry, you still have to move or trash 85% of all that you tried to sell to the dump or back to its original location as that full day of back breaking, irritation and frustrated facade of business transactions took in less than $145.00 ($5.00 less what it cost you) and your Sunday is now Saturday REMIX without the fun of saying "Sorry, the bathrooms are only for the paying patrons, ME!!!)