Monday, April 21, 2008

Sell a dollar for 50 cents

Garage and yard sales. I do understand being a buyer of these thrifty items and deal breaking objects of desire as much as I understand the obsession with online auctions and finding the special item missing from your Hobbit or Star Wars collection. Truly, I can see the excitement and the kill of the hunt for the savvy buyers of the world. However, I haven't figured out the point of having one. selling and planning a Garage sale. You would think you can't have one without the other but I promise you I will never be the other.

Plan your next month around a Saturday garage sale. Advertise in the local paper, buy balloons and signs to ensure sold out traffic is in your driveway from 7am -3pm on one of the two days you have to relax from work in the first place. Cancel any plans for today or tonight that would actually help you relax. Start piling boxes of clothes, toys, cheap gifts other cheap people sent you combined with hours of hauling everything to the end of your driveway hoping it doesn't rain as you now know "rain dates" are extra in the GAZETTE TRIBUNE POST INDEPENDENT NEWS. Preparation alone takes more logistics than the Gulf war deployment of a million men and machines, even without recruiting children or family members to organized by MOVIE subject matter. DRAMA-Kitchen items that were going to help you eat healthy and make a grilled chicken sandwich in under 5 seconds, COMEDY-last decade's clothes that you still think will fit you if you don't eat the chicken sandwich, HORROR-Furniture you thought looked cool at WalMart under the fluorescent lights, ACTION-Yard tools and sporting equipment you never used to build, exercise or fix anything other than changing a light bulb or hang a shirt on, ROMANCE-Jewelry that looked good on Pacino in Scarface and Beach reading books with lotion and sand still on them. Cost: $150.00 (not including time and labor).

Saturday is here and the masses come before the morning paper and my ad. Honestly it was more like 24 people and 6 spouses who stayed in the car screaming, "We already have a faux wood coat rack, let's get to Sizzler before the Early Birds." Don't forget the ones who walk into the house asking to buy the stuff you are NOT buying and shocked that the brand new lawnmower without a grass stain isn't part of the same deal with the rake with no teeth. If I hear this phrase, "$2.50 for this leather coat? Can you do any better? Would you take $1.25?" I'm going to call the police and claim trespassing on my property without a brain.

Sunday morning is here, time to relax and enjoy the last few hours before the work week begins. Sorry, you still have to move or trash 85% of all that you tried to sell to the dump or back to its original location as that full day of back breaking, irritation and frustrated facade of business transactions took in less than $145.00 ($5.00 less what it cost you) and your Sunday is now Saturday REMIX without the fun of saying "Sorry, the bathrooms are only for the paying patrons, ME!!!)

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