Thursday, September 18, 2008

It's All In a Name

Standing in line at a store with a first time mother and her precocious 4-year-old. Is there a reason some parents feel the need to share their child's ENTIRE name EACH AND EVERY TIME they address them?

The child knows his name, you have been saying it 100 times a day since you forced his dad to sign the birth certificate for your choice while you were recovering from your epidural.

I'm confused as usual, you can't actually think the rest of the world cares that you are that proud of your spawn's name.

"TIMOTHY JAMES...OH TIMOTHY JAMES you are such a smart boy."

...Lady, He just burped. My dog can do that in his sleep.

"TIMOTHY at the lady. TIMOTHY JAMES...Look how friendly you are." wasn't a smile..that was telling you that you better have bought extra pampers.

"TIMOTHY JAMES...Is that a new tooth coming in your mouth? TIMOTHY JAMES you are becoming such a big boy."

....Oh its a big tooth alright and I doubt you are going to be proud of his first name when the kids at daycare see that bicuspid coming through the door before TIMOTHY TOO---I mean JAMES does.

(yes, a little mean. but you haven't seen this tooth)

I know she is thrilled to have a strapping young boy who doesn't have a choice but to be dragged to every store she goes to as she promotes his name, heritage and IQ to the tri-county area in hopes of him running for office one day.

But if I hear TIMOTHY JAMES being called out for another inadvertent, minuscule task that every 4-year old SHOULD be able to do. I'm going to start addressing my shopping cart in front of me to scare the tooth right out of TIMOTHY JAMES.

"OH SHOPPING roll soo well....OH SHOPPING CART...your capacity to hold water, bread and milk is astounding....OH SHOPPING that a new wheel you have coming out of your axis?"

Its amazing how fast the mother and TIMOTHY JAMES leave and move to another checkout line. OH TIMOTHY JAMES' need one more kid so you just start yelling.

"Hey. YOU TWO. stop talking and quit hitting your sister".

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