Pin-up Models to Avoid

Bought a few new shirts this week and spent 3.5 hours removing the packaging INSIDE the plastic wrap. Seriously, 14 straight pins, 3 pieces of cardboard, half of roll of tissue paper and plastic molds around the neck line took before I even considered ironing and hanging them up. IT'S a SHIRT not a crystal wedding gift. If I want to consider acupuncture, I'll go to a specialist. I guarantee no matter how careful I was diffusing this department store bombing device, I will either step on a pin or get stuck by one as I pick something else off my floor. After hundreds of years, can someone figure out how to fold the shirt and package it for selling without having it prepared like a voodoo doll with me being the cursed soul? Here's a thought: Try a freakin' hanger display.

The Real Scoop on Real Wives

I admit it. I watch some Reality TV every now and then. Even though some of them are scripted in advance, I enjoy the human drama (good and bad) like the rest of us. Cat fights, Train wrecks of their lives, B-actors trying to get back into the limelight because their last performance was at Kennedy's innauguration.

But catching Real Housewives of New York the other night made me want to change the channel to Nick at Night and watch the innocent fun of Father Knows Best or the slapstick humor of Hogan's Heros. Competing witches for who is going to be the worse mother on Manhattan is not my idea of enjoyment. Sex in the City was either a real or an exagerated version of life in NY. This, however, was a disturbing few minutes of "I can't wait for my friends to see how evil, selfish and greedy I can be in a 10 minute block when they watch this and tell me how good my ass looked on TV."

This was not entertaining. It was pathetic with a good chance of nausea. Why can't they be more like the Real Housewives of Orange County and just be concerned about who can have the uglier but RICHER husband and determined if they go to Rodeo Drive or their plastic surgeon more often. To me, THAT is REAL TV.

It's not where I'm going that is important

"Excuse me...can you tell me how to get to........"

Hate asking for directions. Not because I'm a Y chromosome and it hurts my pride to ask, but because I haven't got a GPS yet and I'm jealous plus I always seem to ask someone who is more lost than me and they live a block from where I'm going.

As soon as you hear this phrase, "....if you get to a bar or a school... YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR." you might as well turn back. How about "if you give me the proper directions, I won't have to see the bar unless I decide to take a tour of your neighborhood". It's not that hard, Tell me how many streets to turn left or right and then how many lights until I see the place. Or better yet, tell me you don't have a clue and there is a gas station or major intersection a street over and it would do me good to ask someone there.

I'm looking for a good samaritan with a concept of south versus north, not Forrest Gump's literal guidebook to the southern hemisphere.

Ask me for return directions after I spent $45.00 in gas following yours, and I'll tell you exactly where to GO.

Can You Add Me?

Social networking at its best. MySpace, Facebook, LinkedIn and the flavor of the month. Ten years gone by and all of a sudden, a message appears on your profile page. "Fennis Dembo would like to be added to your network of friends, family, acquaintances and strangers who bumped into you at a QuickChek". Love how none of us can hide anymore, but if you want to be linkedIn with me or connected in some way other than by coincidentally sitting next to each other at a sporting event back during the Clinton era, at least spell my name right when you request acknowledgement. Pretend you liked me at some point in your life and not just to add me as CONNECTION #4543 so you can be more popular than Paula Abdul at a Narcolepsy seminar. I honestly don't remember saying hi in April of 2004 as you pushed a shopping cart past me in WalMart. I don't have the vaguest recollection of that time we both jockeyed for position going for the same urinal at the Yankees Game. Yes YES YES, I was the one who forgot we were on speaker during a conference call when I told that joke about my um...past manager. But that was before HDTV, and Satellite Radio. I have a new life, new friends and all 2 of them are on my YAHOO 360 page. I just wish someone else in the world knew about it too.

crowded house of silence

"Excuse me? You said Tori's brother was just sold? NO. I said, "Your mother caught a cold!!" Ouch, I can't hear you there are two women next to us with voices that seem to rattle the canine population in Spain with their high pitch explanation of why they didn't call each other yesterday because they were returning the call from the day before. Someone, OK...ANYONE tell me why certain patrons of the public food industry need to share with five other tables their mundane lifestories? Its a eating establishment, not the wall street trading floor. Use your indoor voices children, no one cares about your neighbor's pet who looks like your boss on steroids. "I'd like to order another drink" "DID you just say your psychotic mother can't sing? I would have heard you more clearly but the two guys on the other side of us who haven't shaved their necks since '97 are groping the waitress while bragging their porsches' just got detailed by their younger brother who just got out on a work release program. UM..wanna go to the library?

UGHS for UGGS

Yes, incredibly comfortable is what I hear. Casual wear at its finest. Warm, easy to get on and off and based on every 12-28 year old, they go with everything from evening wear to PJ's. But please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks these oversized elephant mitts look as though they fell out of the ugly tree and hit every other branch. I do think women should wear these at those circus funny mirrors and see how their legs would actually look with a sleek, stylish boot. Why would you want to walk around with your legs aspiring to be short tree stumps? It could be worse..they could cost over $25.00...what?..you mean they sell for more? Mmm..I have some old HUSH PUPPIES you could buy for $75.00 on ebay. Ugly, but I guarantee they look better than those UGGly shoes.

Political Choices

Riddle me this Batman....Is there is actually a strange woman who is worth over $4000.00 a night? Please someone tell me after the first hour..(in the Governor's case, in a New York Minute) what is she going to do? He is now snoring and calling room service for another bottle of Dom. Seriously, is she emulating the press corp? acting like a beaten down witness in one of his past cases? Does he realize that after the 20% service fee that his trip down mammary lane to DC cost him over five grand, a political office, a tarnished reputation, a few felon counts and a possible cabinet position. Perhaps we should imagine what did he gain. For one, a chance to be on TMZ for the next week and top billing on Leno and Letterman until another Britney sighting. But most importantly, he can now save $3980.00 and go to Brooklyn and say--"WOW, I completely overpaid for a 'half and half'. Maybe, next time I'll try Priceline.com"