Tuesday, August 5, 2008

I Need a Little Off the Top

At a strip mall and stuck between a QuikChek, a Chinese Restaurant and a "WE BUY GOLD FOR CASH" store was one of the thousands of America's favorite hair salons. Little did I know why they call them "strip" malls until now. Only cheap hair salons can come up with names that rival Go-Go Bars for self-pundits.

From THE PRIME CUT, to THE CUT ABOVE. From HAIR PORT to SOPHISTICUTS' HEAD CLIP JOINT. The names themselves should make you avoid getting your hair cut here unless you have lice or want lice. (Either way you lose and they win a customer)

I challenge anyone to walk into any of these fine slice of American Pie and trust the fact you will walk away with anything but a Power Mullet or a 80's Hair Band Perm. Take note: Have you looked at what style these "beauticians" themselves have opted for? Realize they haven't had a new style magazine in the waiting room table since Charlie's Angels "the TV show", not the movie, aired in 1976, but YOU are going to trust them with the one part of your body you can't hide at school or work?

From hair color that even the Mother Nature rejected to flips, curls, comb-overs and shags that put serious doubt that the US has ever evolved since the Cold War. I'm not even going to comment on the advice provided in these modern day Coiffures that double as a nail specialist institution. "No, No, honey even if you're 75, you should have your hair still down to your lower back." "Oh girlfriend, its a lovely shade of Red, don't even worry about what your boyfriend Ned thinks." or my personal favorite, "I feel the urge to emulasatalate (no clue) and simulcast Victoria Beckham and Katie Holmes with one wave of my magic scissors. You are so gonna love it Honey."

The good news is that for $9.95, I can get a shampoo, cut and advice on how to avoid toenail infections all within one store away from selling my gold tooth.

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